Fade to black(correction green lol)

Stuff are happening like what a regular life should be life. Feels like I lost myself somewhere back there in all the daily happenings. Memories are entertaining :D. Inpromptu outings, the absolute randomness, been really fun. Looking back on the things that brought me to where I am. I just got to have to smile. Surviving through many ordeals is what brought me here. Though I feel like dying like everyday it just feels like a major accomplishment to see myself going on the next. Now for my song of tomorrow. It's changed alot but do you see the roots that run every so deep or the fragments of my life within the song? Here's something for ya!

Wonder who would recognise me

When my callused past is left behind

When I've shed my skin to adorn a new robe

I charge towards the dawn hammer with all my might

Creating a new world with the picking of the pieces

Who would recognise me

When a new Sun rises behind

Brimming with light

No longer the darkened day

For it's seizure held the foundation of today

The fruits of flowers bear promise

For the children of tomorrow

I kiss my love goodbye with tears and a smile

The river quenches my thirst when I feel dry

The smile shines ever so brightly whenever I look up at the sky

For they whisper words of wisdom

Can you see it in my eyes

Calling for the last dance of today

The silent hymm plays tune

The words are in your eyes

But blind yourself in the moment

Let the words be all so wrong

Let the day become memory

For a better tomorrow

Burn the dream of today

And pick the pieces up

Cause they're just you

Just me

Just everything we thought wrong

Yesterday's wrongs will make

Today's right

In the ashes

We're standing still darling

So take a step

And fall for the sake of tomorrow

Cry yourself dry and qench your thirst in the rivers of joy

Wipe away the scars

Pick yourself up

A touch of my hand says I'll catch you

Whenever you fall

A kiss on your lips says I'll love you

Whoever you become

My warm embrace says I'll be there

Whenever you're cold

I say it best

When I say nothing at all

(P.S. Bri I wanna hear your songs of love someday)

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
For I am but a shadow

In your eyes; I see it

Well I suppose it's about time I blog. "Same old moves for... a new romance... I could use... The same old lines..." Haha even in there it's the same old life. It's like I'm getting a second chance to live my school life once more.

Only 2 lines repeat in my head right now. "Shine on... Just shine on cause they're all just slaves to the gods they've pray" it gives me the motivation I need to not lose myself. Then another recent one "It's not about who's right, certain things are worth more than that". I'm on the verge of breaking down again. I'm crying now, but who can I turn to? For all the things I've done so far there hasn't been one thing which I'm proud about.

I'm still thinking of the same old person every night and day, like some sick lovebird. I feel like a completely sappy idiot. I just really wish that I could close my eyes and it'll all be gone. I wonder what happened to the me who always laughed and smiled. The words I've always needed are here but I'm not dancing on the clouds like I'm supposed to.

[Will continue with the next post when my emotions stabalise]

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow

The final arpeggios

This post is meant for everyone who reads my blog.
The first thing would be a compilation of last words I've received from people:


Cheryl: Huh you going tomorrow?Take care...
Calvin: Don't die
Clara: Good Bye
Riken: Goodluck and don't die


Serene: TRAIN HARD!!!BE A TOUGH MAN!!!We are soulmates, long live the sisterhood..(yes she did say that)
Ranjani: Have fun!! Have fun there!!
Cindy: Good luck


Dimitri: Never give up and it's always in the mind... And if I can do it, you can do better... And take it like a man... If my dad can survive Israel soldiers when Singapore had its first army, this is chicken feet... But I'm sure you can pull it through, you're a fighter... Most of us martial artist train, this is a walk in the park, just sit back and enjoy the ride... This will be a life changing experience from you...(Lol taken his age into consideration it is normal FYI you're my oldest friend!!)
Sha: I'm going to miss you and your hair and I'm waiting for my chocolates...
Debby: You just take care of yourself and don't let people bully you
Nicole: Haha, take care.


Bridget: I'll call you out everytime you book out
Rozann: Teach me how to do chinups next time, they just look hard
Lovely: My line is "MAY YOU SURVIVE"

Brothers are all excluded cause they're doing a different thing. If you read this and I mean anything to you, be it a great friend, some guy you want to get to know better or whatever it is, as long as you treat me as a friend tag what I mean to you. Whoever who missed out saying their last words can tag too. Please do. It'll give me something to smile about the next time I check the blog. Don't exclude yourself cause we're close or you hardly know me. Anyone who tries I'll do my best in return.

Today was great. Woke up and ate a nice lunch/breakfast. Got chased by Serene cause I was late. Dolled up nicely and went to Orchard in the afternoon to make more moments to remember this old life I'm giving up by. Intended to take alot of pictures but it didn't turned out as planned. But I gained a soulmate/sister :D Sha finally got discharged and I got to catch up with her for afew minutes before she disappeared.

Since I planned to leave my old life behind from the start, it's time I explained the reason behind the stuff I did for the past few months. I was trying so hard to call many of you people out cause I want to consider you as a friend not some online confidant. I pulled that little stunt Dolly for old time sake and to see your reaction one last time. It a pity I didn't contact some of you like Maira and Jie Ying cause we lost contact or I was just too caught up in my own life. Most of you are great friends I want to keep.

Only 2 people managed to receive christmas presents from me so far and I'd like to say this to both of you. Even though we are all leading different lives, the point that is you responded to what I've done and choose to absorb me into yours, gives me reason enough to say that you mean alot to me.

Okay my brothers we kind of don't give presents anyway so don't be jealous. I'll always do all in my power at a whim for you guys.

Goodbye to myself and to the life I'm leaving behind, for when I next read this, I will be reborn anew. My only regret is that I won't be able to huge Dolly for the last time, I will miss you alot. I won't try to contact you again since it only seems to hurt me.

[Edit]
Jie jie you called at a really great time. Okay you're in Yishun but I need to sleep so I can't find you. Your last words was "take care and see you in 2 weeks". Oh yea, say hi to Jie Ying for me and try to drag her along the next time you meet me. I haven't seen her in a year.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow

Yesterday Once More

Before I say anything, the inspiration today goes to 'Yesterday Once More by The Carpenters'.

When I was young

I'd listen to the radio

Waitin' for my favorite songs

When they played

I'd sing along

It made me smile.

Those were such happy times

And not so long ago

How I wondered where they'd gone

But they're back again

Just like a long lost friend

All the songs I loved so well.

Every Sha-la-la-la

Every Wo-o-wo-o

Still shines

Every shing-a-ling-a-ling

That they're startin' to sing's

So fine.

When they get to the part

Where he's breakin' her heart

It can really make me cry

Just like before

It's yesterday once more.

Lookin' back on how it was

In years gone by

And the good times that I had

Makes today seem rather sad

So much has changed.

It was songs of love that

I would sing to then

And I'd memorize each word

Those old melodies

Still sound so good to me

As they melt the years away.

Every Sha-la-la-la

Every Wo-o-wo-o

Still shines

Every shing-a-ling-a-ling

That they're startin' to sing's

So fine.

All my best memories

Come back clearly to me

Some can even make me cry.
Just like before

It's yesterday once more.

About afew posts back I mentioned 'back to basics'. Well 'Yesterday Once More' goes well with it. I mean, it's like yesterday for me. Back to the start when I took my step, I had all my physical needs catered for. But then, I was always alone. Didn't have a dad till my step dad showed up when I was around 8. He married my mom afew years after that.

All I had for company was the tv and the maid. Well yeah maids come and go so besides my very first maid I actually remember who lasted like 10 years with us, I slowly ever stopped communicating with anyone. Just like today, it's back to yesterday. I talk to my blog.... And that's it. Well you could count in that I've been narrating to myself since I could remember but I think everyone does that.

Those were the days I chased after what I wanted the most. Paleonthology, physics, history and other assorted stuff. I didn't have the memory for those things that I do now. You could say I really memorised those stuff by heart compared to now. I selectively remember key points which enable me to form up the whole thing anytime I want.

More on my physical life, it was anime and documentaries with stuff like power rangers and ultra-man which I later grew out of. Only interest for the first 2 stayed. Never really hanged out with others much. Everyday was basically a rush to go home unless I wanted to go sight seeing alone. Back home I'd just slack, the day flew by slowly and that's it. This kind of explains why I never get bored just sitting at home. Hell it's been with me since I was born. I kind of never grew out of it. My tastes change, my thoughts mature but my habits still remain the same.

Every little thing I'd ask my Mum constantly and I kept getting scolded, so ended up, I got used to explaining to myself why. Kinda lonely for a little kid huh? You could say I had everything but people around me. Used to be really talkative during Primary school too. I mean really talkative. Mom said I started talking at a really tender age ( can't remember what though). But due to how I grew up it now is selective. I can yap away to certain people, at certain times, on certain topics but not always.

Now it's as though I'm the only one who remembers. The people who appear around me once in awhile, they don't remember it the way I do. Well.. Maybe except Bri but then she's an exception... She started her life with Victoria. It's complicated and I don't want to explain what relation this has to anything so I'll just leave it as that.

Back to the present, learned a whole bunch of important life lessons today. Will share a single one liner that I managed to express into words. "If dignity and code comes first, you have a tough life ahead of you". Plenty more where that came from but as usual, can't find the words to express. I'm not saying that line is wrong but, it kind of just explains why. All you prideful people out there, all you completely logical people, when you only see it that way, you got to force your way in a straight line. Maybe it's just me but, not everything is better 'by the book' nor do they conform to logic.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow

Factors and Comets, The Vast Universe

It's nice... To have external factors in life everyday. The need to go to work, the people you commute with. All on a daily basis, a daily routine. To have an orbit around you must feel great. I could never accomplish such a simple task. The foreign objects comes and just goes when I loosen my grip, or smashes when I hold on too much.

I visit others never to stay, I bear witness to the unseen, but all these are just kept within me. How I wish those who observe me from their telescope will plan an expedition to meet me. How I wish others were able to take my soil samples and maybe even a core sample just to find out about me. My composition of materials, my maturity, my age and possibly where I've been.

The collision I had which brought me close to losing my consisting materials that make me scar deep down to the core. The surface wounds have all been healed but the recent minor collision I had with an old neighbour rocked my core like an earthquake. Once again I feel the hurt. I almost absorbed it in the endless pursuit in this deep space to become larger, to finally stop moving on and start on the plans, to have a stationary orbit of my own. I just move too fast that I fling things out and absorbed nothing but the information that can be extracted and the memories my passenger embeded.

The recent Supernova took away too much of me that now my composition has changed too much and now so my course. For I absorbed external objects to regain my mass and now they've set in motion, a new becoming of me.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow

OMG I'm SOO HAPPY CAN?!

Haha Bri sorry I stole your line. Just had to use it for this occassion. Faced my fear yesterday, meeting the ex. Okay everything started with Bri again, she just had to drop me off at Aljunied then it made me want to just go down to Pasir Ris. So I did, called Dolly didn't pick up so I went for the next best thing, my first best friend I ever had, my cousin. Walked 1 big round to his place, got a carton of beer and just sat down to talk for old times sake.

Dolly got back to me later and we eventually walked down to her place with me as red as a lobster. Never thought I'd chill around at a playground again, was fun except the thing that I didn't have my full attention span. Dolly took forever to come down as usual and her mac repaid the favor. Even saved a can for her but then she just drank afew sips and thats it, can wasted.

For old time sake with her I did a OMGWTFBBQPEWPEWLAZER lie to her. Lol she bought it for half the day can? What's more fun than that. Spent the night at her place way after my cousin left cause he had school in the morning.

I couldn't sleep much at Dolly's place so I blogged in my phone. Will post it up in my blog once I transfer it over. Cheerios!

It's quiet...

And dusty...

My head's pounding...

You know looking at her lying there again,

it just brings back memories of why I fell in love with her.

She just makes me want to be there.

To pat her head,

to pinch her cheeks

and to laugh at her ever so sweet self that comes out when we're alone.

We all lie,

We have disbelief

and we all slander.

It's just part of society nowadays.

It's what we grew up in and what made us the way we are.

Petty rumors...

Overblown stories...

It just makes life interesting.

I learned that after understanding my own becoming.

Now my next step would not be to oppose life's flow but gradually divert it's flow.

I realised it's what I've been doing all along when I can now see it's waters flow around me.

But now I'll use knowledge of that to my advantage.

Things in life come and go,

knowing how to make things come and accepting it,

understanding why they go is just what makes my life fulfulling.

It's what makes mine interesting.

We humans can be so cute sometimes.

Wanting to make a mark,

wanting to defy what makes us who we are.

It's in our nature to oppose authority unless it's our own.

That's what just most people grow up to be like.

Haha after all the events that've occured,

I find it best to just pen down my words that I narrate to myself.

After all, sharing all of these directly to people is what created the whole mess I had prior.

It's fun yet ironic to look at what you've created and yet not being able to do a thing.

The stuff I had set in motion...

We've all changed over the last few months.

Maybe it's the drastic things that've happened,

maybe I've opened my eyes after past events made me see more.

We were never meant to time travel, only to dream about it to expand the mind.

We seek to improve in terms of intelligence and gain more knowledge

because of our own shortcomings in terms of evolution.

It takes too long...

You can't deny it, the heriditary traits still remain and we want to carry it on,

for better or for worse.

We all know how flawed we are but our own weakness it what makes it 'life'

We all know the steps made today

were to cover the mistakes of the past.

Extinction and pollution.

It can occur naturally.

But we humans are seated too comfortably at the top to give it all up.

We are subjucated to be chained for our own conquests.

I see the chains around myself,

they hurt..

But there is no point to free myself.

I use knowledge of their existence to ease the pain and to prepare for each hurdle ahead.

It's funny actually...

I know the flaws yet I seek to embrace them.

This is just to curb the loneliness,

to curb the thoughts that make me unbecoming of man.

In the epitomy I've reached in this journey,

I finally understand the meaning and importance of 'back to basics'.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow

Resolution...

This heart I filled with sorrow has made me realise the heartbeat in life. The pulse that makes you feel alive.

My ambition... The blazing trials which could not phase me, now I say sadness is stronger. If you've never felt what it's like to be down, you'll never have the resolve to work your way up.

This heart which has known love and borne into sorrow, is what makes me strong... I don't need to put behind that which ails the heart but in turn make it my strength.

Haha it's funny I came up with the inspiration for these few lines watching the eyes of 2 people fighting each other in an anime.

Don't forget that the trials in life is what makes you stronger therefore the phrase "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

Will continue on this post once I come back.. [Edit: okay continuing on]

Rushed off to Somerset before I could finish the post that day. Went over to Chattsworth and Peranakan Place.. You know the whole stretch of old Peranakan houses where plenty of SPGs (Sarong Party Girls) stay. There was one pub which caught my eye over there, Dolly told me of it once but I can't remember the name, anyway yeah the decor was really nice.

My mom kept going on about this place which was 10times better than Sakae Sushi so we went ahead to check out the place. Man miss the sushi days, they're so not filling and I can keep going on and on and on. Ate plenty at Ichiban Boshi (the place my mom kept going on about) about like 10 tamaki(handrolls) and like 20 over plates of other assorted sushi. The rest of the family ate like uhh half of what I did. Also had my first try of Sake. Hot sake to be exact. Man when I used to words "taste like Martell" it really reminds me of "taste like chicken". The phrase is used to like describes all foods and my taste like Martell is used to describe all alcohol lol.

Had my class reunion like the day before this, haven't seen the guys in more than a year cause I missed out on the previous reunion.

Okay will continue on this later got stuff to do at 1:10am in the morning. (lol?)

Nevermind I'll make a new post :D

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

In a daze

Been missing too many things lately.. Too many people.. Somehow it just feels that I'm submitting myself to my future and not looking back. True and inevitable as it may be, I just feel that I'll miss everything. Don't even know if I'll be back here 2 years from now or never again. It just feels like the first time I'm stepping into the unknown and not being able to calculate what happens to keep myself mentally prepared.

The feeling of loss maybe... It's a new 1, can't say I like it, but it's good to feel something different. Keeps life interesting that way. I don't like the feeling of being hungry but not wanting to eat either cause I already ate all my meals but then it's good to feel something new. It's fun to see yourself choosing the less desirable outcome and see what you'll do to make things get back on track. I mean like, I'm hungry so I whip up say a 3rd lunch and maybe supper while I'm at it. Then tomorrow I'll start feeling more fats pilling up. You see what I mean lol, it's the norm for me to be able to guess the few probable outcomes but this time I'm acting blindly.

The suspense is just seriously building up. I feel so constipated but I don't know where to explode all the pent up energy on. *Sigh* Guess this is what all those confused people around the world feel. Ironic when something only becomes cystal clear when it's past it's time. 'Better late then never' is how the saying always goes. Haha... I just wish for once my life would balance out. *Smiles* Guess now you know why I'm special. I can be a complete oblivious idiot for mundane necessities but know so much about some so out of the blue you'd wonder what I've been doing behind your back.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Pride and Glory; Pride and Prejudice

It's become a pressing issue and I find the need to clarify and talk about this to anyone who bothers to read.

I myself have very litle pride, because I weight things in another way, I don't have any morales either, same reason I see things differently. All these doesn't mean I'm a bad person or whatever.

Alot of people can say that I'm a nice guy because I'm more of a "ask and you shall receive" kind of person. Damn I feel like I'm really suited for being an 'on fire' Christian but again another part of me doesn't want to. I can't really commit to something like this but I've took all the lessons learnt from church and grasped the meaning from them. To me learning to be a good person is enough.

I'm completely random cause my personality changes back and forth, it isn't till the extent it's like split personality but due to certain things I can be a little different each day.

Just for classification sake cause I see things differently than others. To the people around me a 'brother' would equate somewhat to my 'kyoudai'(siblings). I'm just going by my msn labels cause it's easier to sort of the general public that way. Okay so I might not grasp the whole importance of the brotherhood thing. But then I have my own way. You guys are just irreplaceble.

This group of important people consist of Ben(he was my first real friend),Matthew(Cause he's Ben's brother as well and I sort of can see if we could spend more time together we'd also be close),Nicholas(Cause well he's also closely related to Ben but I also had the time to get to know him and plus being related to each other that way we already treated each other extra importantly).

Next there's Bjorn(an ex classmate of my cousin, I got to really talk to him only after he left the country and we really hit off well till the point he's in this category).

Bridget's also another 1(the way in which I got to know her was kind of wierd but then the short time we hung out together she really became like a little cousin I dote on).

Dolly/Kazio/my ex is the last person(well I once said once you're this close, you'll forever be like family to me. Might not be in the romantic sense now but she's still someone I consider close no matter if we still talk or not).

Next are the people I would call 'tomadachi'(friends). The word 'friend' can be very vague but to me those I actually call friends number in the few. The good friends are Maira (I call her boyfriend), Lovely (some 15 y/o girl I'm really proud of), Ms Ang (she used to be my counsellor), Serene (my poly classmate but I really talked to her alot out of class and we hit off well) and Shu Xian(Jie jie!). Most of these people I see once every few months but still having the notion of them being good friends despite that makes it all the more sincere. For the friends category I have Sha, Jie Ying, Jo, Rachel, Dimitri aka Wolf, Ken aka PerfectKen (So what if you guys claim he's a bastard, it's comfortable talking to him and I've shared with him my fair share of problems and etc.. etc..).

Another out of the box group would be Cheryl Ng, Calvin Ng and Clara Ng. Cheryl's an old primary school classmate and I recently bumped into her again. The past few weeks I've spent like at least a quarter of my time at their house just bumming around and it's like I've kinda accepted them as additional family. Clara's like my little sister, Calvin's the little brother I never had and Cheryl's the sister I don't really bother talking to (<--- lawl at this). These about all the people I actually talk to. I do know plenty of people but mainly due to circumstances they're just aqquaintances, sad to say. I don't really have a wide variety of people I go out with nor do I often get to spend alot of time with all of them(it's more of a round robin thing).

"You might have all the riches in the world but feel empty

You might be the poorest man in the world but lead the most fufilling life"

I don't consider myself having a sad life nor being lonely at all. If you judge it that way then let it be so to you, what matters is loving myself.

Little by little I'm slowly learning what 'Pride' actually is. Yeah it sounds stupid but I don't really know what it's like to have it. It's just recent events have spun 'Pride' to appear in my life really often to the point I actually get its significance. So it comes to pass I'm getting this crucial thing and I just feel it's time to repay the favor by letting whoever doesn't know me to understand.

I'm the guy who reminisces of the past it's just sad
I'm the guy who doesn't seem to anger
I'm the guy who always smiles even though I'm getting scolded
I'm the guy who always smiles even though I cry
I'm not a sad person suffering after a breakup,
but an individual who's grown up after an important life lesson
I face the world with a smile on my face so don't think I feel otherwise...

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

In the quiet lane down the road

Are they calling for our last dance?

I see it in your eyes... In your eyes...

Same old moves for a new romance I could use the same old lies, but I'll sing

Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I, just shone, just shone

And when silence greets my last goodbye

The words I need are in your eyes

And I'll sing .....

Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I just shone, just shone

So shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I just shone, just shone

A really touching song to add to my all time favourites collection. Won't spoil the fun and say what song it is so you're prolly gunna have to guess this time, alternatively it wouldn't hurt to ask me either. Say... Don't you think it's just so quiet and calm. It's just the way I love it when I'm alone. The song really made me reminisce on things. Not just the times with my ex. But all the quality times I've spent with anyone and everyone who's meant something to me.

I kinda remembered the times with Bri and Ben, well cause when this song was playing they were the last 2 people I talked to. I miss the times Ben would call me to wake up and play WoW/DotA with him in the past. We'd then delay it for another 1-2 hours cause I'm up cooking and he just wakes me up beforehand cause he knows my habits, well to a certain extent anyway. Bastard and petty as he is, he's my brother and I'll love him for that. Lol we've argued over games and over lots of wierd stuff that makes no sense when you come to think of it but then we're both just like that to begin with, completely random. No matter how much we bitch to others about each other or how we end up in little bitch fights it'll always be the same.

Bri kinda came like the wind 1 day and then she left the same way. Funny when you think about it but she gave me plenty of good memories anyway. C'mon you just got to agree her life's about the closest thing to a drama series. I remember I told Lovely something like that before and we both had a good laugh.

I remember I told someone this before but I'll repeat anyway. "All my life I've not come across any real problems and everything was smooth, but it was troublesome and problematic when you're around. But I'll have it no other way". It's like life's no fun without things happening, everything just became stale which made me cold. You guys opened me up without knowing it. Through the good times and the bad, they were both fun.

I miss having solemn moments... They always get spoilt by a certain someone. Going out to everone who's facing anything in their life,

"Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made"

It's more than words I have in my blog, for the words hold my feelings....

Sin†ner™

Do not wonder,

for I am but a shadow.

The girl that everyone says yes to

I'm sure you people have come acrossed at least someone like this before. They laugh, they smile, they cry and other people will always be there at their beckon. Alot of people like to tell me about the hidden agenda in others. It's like when my pay got delayed by like a week, Ben was saying stuff like "what if they cheat me or don't pay me at all". All I could say was then "what can I do anyway?". Certain things is needless to worry about cause it just wastes time and energy. Yeah although in that previous example there are some things I could've done to get my money, but then I was nearly a 100% sure I was getting it anyway(late or not) so I wasn't really bothered.

You might say some people have all the luck or some people just live the life, it's just because they make people live around them. You might not get what I mean but let's just put it this way, these are the kinds of people that anchor others together, the charismatic/knowledgeble middle man. There is nothing wrong with it so.. Don't be angry, don't be jealous... The ley lines of society, well there is something like that metaphorically. Hah, I once told Bri to find out the why of the why of the why of the why and this "ley line" can be called that stream.

*Sigh* The PsOne is calling my brother's friends are challenging me.. Will continue on this soon enough..

A good bro of mine is the America has this really catchy phrase "there's beauty in the breakdown" man gotta love that lol. Bet you guys don't know what it means anyway. I find it true enough that there's a hidden beauty in all things good and bad. Maybe this'll give a good enough hint. Alright time to get on with daily life..

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Effigy; The Dying Animal

It was an artsy type movie... Just resembled so much in my life... The movie is called "Effigy" and since i recently used that word as 1 of my blog titles I decided to watch it while waiting for the Sun to rise. This was the summary they used:
"Cultural critic David Kepesh finds his life -- which he indicates is a state of \"emancipated manhood\" -- thrown into tragic disarray by Consuela Castillo, a well-mannered student who awakens a sense of sexual possessiveness in her teacher."

So I though what the heck sounds interesting but as the movie progressed I just felt sad... My summary is that well the main character 'he' fell in love with 'her' the student. They had sex and he started to ponder about them after a certain period of time when he found that he just couldn't stop thinking about her the day she wasn't there. They progressed in the relationship till the extent that 'his' supposedly parter who's slept with him for 20 years even found 'her' tampon in 'his' house. He lied, well executed I might add and they remained as per normal cause she bought his words. 'She' later asked for him to attend her graduation party and meet the parents. It was then he got tied back by the conversation they had earlier about their future together. She had planned for them to marry etc.. etc.. but then he was afraid to commit. Didn't turn up at the party and came up with a lame excuse. She never called back...

He talks to this bestfriend about it all through the relationship and his advice was what had happened, just a fling(in summary of course). He told 'him' that he had over analysed a simple matter and in the end nature just took it's course. 'He' slowly learned to move on with the help of his bestfriend. 'His' life continued the way it should, giving relationship advice doing cultural stuff and being lonely with his occasional partner showing up.

'His' bestfriend died on his bed and his last act was to kiss his wife, it was touching really, they had just recovered from a rough patch and finally found each other again. 'He' briefly claimed later that he had recovered from everything and was back to normal but soon took his words back as the loneliness hit him twice as hard. Without 'his' bestfriend and confidant, he was truely alone. 'He' confessed his sins to his parter and they parted ways with the best wishes to each other.

Time passed and 'she' called him again. He played the message over and over breaking down and crying. For he said that "all these time I spent, all these years, it was as though they prepared me for this moment". He pondered to possibilities of 'her' wanting to meet up like 'she' getting married and wanting 'his' best regards and several others.

He freshened up, plucked up all his courage and called the girl he could never forget, for she was the only one who made him feel alive. He stutters but finally found his voice to talk to 'her'. 'She' proceeds to head over to 'his' place and they reminisce in their minds while they enact the usual formalities. 'She' explained to him that she has breast cancer and will be undergoing the operation 2 weeks later. An additional request 'she' asked was for 'him' to take pictures of her body once more before they "ruined it". The words that came out of her mouth "I know you once loved me, onced loved my body" was her plea to him. Not bearing to turn down the woman he loves he agrees to it and things are reluctantly set into motion.

'He' offers the simplest of things but was turned down and they parted. After the surgery 'he' went to visit her and she was glad yet surprised he came. For 'he' had made his decision, knowing or unknowingly. As 'he' sat on her bed next to her and 'she' lie in his embrace, with her right breast gone they movie ends with them seemingly spending the rest of their lives together.

The movie was based on this book called "The Dying Animal". The similarities in what I'm going through right now, it's undeniable and I can only deduce the same things as before while being unable to act for fear of letdown once again. Going through the same things in life made the story reach all the more into my heart. Yes there was one regret in my life and I feel as though all my experiences were only to prepare me for what's to come. Some people might not be happy about this but it is my decision to carry on this way. I choose to be sad so when the days finally change, I would truely be happy.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

It's just so dark

1:17am now and it's way dark. The whole mansion here reminds me of those ghost shows on tv and it's freezing cold to beat, the whole house is filled with air conditioning. Guess I'm blogging cause I'm kinda bored and the cordless phone here has no dail tone -.-"... Guess my aunt didn't put down the corded phone downstairs.

Man my first time having any sort of massage and my shoulders were abit sore when I woke up at 11 30pm for my leftover bbq food. Cousin's downstairs prolly playing WoTLK. Basically it's only me who'd be walking around the house. Oh yea! There my uncle at 2nd floor watching soccer. Man Utd vs something.

Guess with everyone close doing something I only got my blog to talk to, really want to call people to chat but guess not. Always end up calling the same few people anyway. Hmm talking about phone calls, used to talk to Dolly over the phone daily before she sleeps but then we'd just be talking about daily life, feels kind of superficial in a sense that I talk to other people more engagingly. Maybe I'm just too shy around her.

Damn I realise I still talk about her way too much, like once a post =/

Yeah and for the song of the day... It's Jason Mraz : I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melodyAnd it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no moreIt cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Nice song really and learning it now as I'm like chatting/playing DotA thinking of some stuff ^^.
I don't understand why I can always have time when it's needed it's just so easy and the song says it all
"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me".
Also about listening to the moment, I remember in an earlier post I talked about just stopping to listen to the sounds of life and well , that's it. Just sing with it and maybe you'll enjoy it. Don't think so much is what I like to tell most people "look into your heart". MOST IMPORTANT "open up your plans" they're there for you not the other way around. They can be easily changed so it's simple to set time aside for people no matter how busy you are it's just how much you want it or how important it is.

Food for thought..

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Back to the primary basics

When I say primary I meant primary industry(reference from geography). Went back in time today, metaphorically speaking that is. Drove and ate breakfast at some double story hawker centre at Bukit Timah, Drove down Kranji and toured the farms, notebly the goat farm and Bollywood farm.

The goat farm reminded me of the time I spent in Perth, Australia when I milked the animals there. Bollywood farm was quite interesting in the fact that the owner was an aquaintance of ours. We chit-chatted with her for awhile and toured around her organic farm, I tell you that woman is seriously living the life. Ex husband's the retired NTUC chairman, brother's some big shot hoo-ha lawyer, she's the ex national netball head, lives across her farm too. OMGosh much? Yeah how many people in Singapore can say they live opposite their farm. She's an organic person if you haven't realised. Organic restaurant on the farm and all. We heard some interesting stuff from her which I think people should spread around. She heard from a rice expert that Singapore's Thai rice imports are the main reason we get diabetes. Yeah the thing I'll surely remember about her is she's great at socialising and I've noted afew skills I could use myself lol.About my farm trip, will upload the pictures I took when I get home maybe sometime Monday or later. Would like the say *wish you were here* to a certain person as well.

Went to the opening of the Kranji Resort as well. Lol kinda talked our way into going in there without invitations cause we were driving classy cars. Hardly 2 minutes into the place and we stepped into a shop to enjoy the air con cause it was damn hot outside. Got a privite tour of the spa's herb garden and later somehow, I actually did spa. Had an aroma theraphy kind of treatment which started with my legs and ended with my head. Mingled with the China girls also. They were saying that Jacky Wu is being payed 60 000 SGD per 45minutes to perform/host at the opening. Then they talked about Jay Chou and later JJ Lim, overall kinda nice talking to them.

Wanted to take a picture of Jacky Wu and maybe listen to 811(The Papaya Sisters) but we went back after a tour of the place cause. Kenneth missed out on alot cause he had his RJC dance CCA.

Been having a headache the whole day as well cause I started the day all wrong playing Call of Duty 4 on the ps3 as soon as I went downstairs. Grr I looked at the screen sideways too much again.

Kinda stopped my poems of sorts caused Dolly was like the source of my inspirations then. I do miss creating new works but maybe I'll get one done before I go away.

Getting dark now and nothing much to talk about so I guess I'll just wrap it up here and head downstairs.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Curse you James Blunt! lol...

Listening to his songs make me remember the bad, yet good times I had with Dolly and the thing is I love his songs. Damn he makes me miss her but lol it's not stopping me from listening to his voice daily. Sing along yeah... No not wasting money to go Kbox... The clock is ticking and still a couple of stuff left to do... Still thinking "how sia" for certain stuff cause I'm too lazy to think otherwise =/. Early mornings feel kinda nice though it's a good change. But damn, it feels like a chore taking the next step, will get to it soon enough. Too late to ask for my old life back, this seems more balanced anyhow. Expenses are going to cost a bomb but it's what i want anyway.

Hmm seems the blog has become the best thing to talk to since I stopped with Ben and Dolly. No nothing happened between us it's just that we're drifting apart temporary that's all. Dolly I think you all know.

Bored here waiting for evening to come so I can go out. Guys do check out my blog daily yeah :D and please tag =/

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Post Devoted to my "XMM gang" (group of girls who I know that are under 16)

Lols my title sounds so "tiko".. .Well anyway getting away from that point, upbringing seems to be everything apparently, we're not who we think we are. In a sense that we are what society and upbringing made us to be so basically our personality just fits into the mold of our surroundings and experiences.

Based on that fact, life's pretty fun actually *grins*. Been testing stuff on the above point and with reference for my agenda noting points at regular intervals. Kind of forgot about this till lately when I realised I figured out just about enough for myself.

I became a loner thanks to my primary school days with Ernest. Went over to his house several times a week just to watch him play the computer and pass the time. Parents bought me the Sega console when I was small and due to that I became an avid gamer freak that I am today.
These stuff might sound straightforward but it isn't as simple as that. I shouldn't say criteria but certain instances have to occur before it triggers an effect.

Take the average "ah beng, ah lian" for example. They aren't like this cause they wanted to. No I'm not saying they were forced to. But in fact the point in we never had any free will in this. Our will in things is made up of what we are as a person and that in turn is created by how we mature as a human being. So to put it simply, they were born and raised in a Chinese/Dialect based family. In turn they mixed around with more Chinese speaking friends who has had similar upbringing which then leads to them somewhat following the path laid out to them by default. Yeah some skeptics might argue that they can choose to go down another path. But something must happen before they are so affixed on this path for that thought to even occur inside their heads.

Then there's the group I belong to, the outcasts. I label it that way cause people who are somewhat similar to me don't exactly fit in 1 place. I'm a gamer, I'm a metal junkie, I'm good at literary works and so on and so fort. Kind of a "jack of all trades" but don't really excel or belong to one particular category. In more extreme cases, we get tagged by the label of being wierd but are not really bothered by it. I have two personal examples who are both my friends. The older male, in his thirties, labeled us as misfits and often pondered on topics which others might find bizarre or a waste of time. But we found that we both asked ourselves the same set of questions. Although in terms of personality we might not be exactly the same but our thought matrix and queerness in personality is something to be judged.

What I've been saying is that everything in our life plays a part. Certain changes might take several small occurances while others can happen with just a tiny one. Needless to say all these "theories" as the skeptics might call it are all able to be put down and charted in statistically individually or in groups. I've done it for my own but it's too messy to share and too time consuming to pen down but for those who really want to know, just give me a call and I'll explain it to you over the phone.

You might ask why is it I do all these stuff. Well, with references to the above claims, I used to indulge myself in paleonthology when I was young. Yeah... Who wasn't interested in dinosaurs when they were little kids. But when I use the word indulge it means it was indepth. Not only the kids and teen documentaries on it. But so much as to reading graphic charts, finding out how they were named and the biometrics involved in which they became that way. Interesting stuff.

Another point would be I went into martial arts and weapons at a tender age. Most boys get facinated by all the Bruce Lee and chinese action flicks anyway. Took up Wushu in school(it wasn't enough). Soon after quitted and started learning from books and observation(yeah you can say my whole life is a daydream and I should wake up and face reality) but then, to me this is the most important thing that makes me, me. This "scientiest" kind of character is what developed my thinking skills and overall personality. I just see things too differently from others that I'm not bounded by certain things in life. The martial arts pursuit soon lead to the expansion into ancient military tactics and medieval weaponry and later into more futuristic stuff.

Knowing additional things is one thing. But knowing how to use it to your advantage is another. I lead the wrong path and became a loner for a period of time and lost certain key character traits. Those who know me know it's really hard to make me angry, but really easy to make me cry(that's if you know how).

Now back to the main point(my title) caused I kind of side tracked again. My XMM friends are doing great apparently. Bridget went through that group of hurdles and now she seems less bimboistic. The occurances around her also lead to her reading and writing more and it's now showing a positive sign in terms of thinking and language. Yet the bad things to happen to her keep her overall personality as a girl intact. Valerie umm... I don't know actually prolly still chubby and looks like a hamster? :D Lovely has been doing great all the while and now she stands a chance to study at UWC(United World College). She has an overall good upbringing and now she's sensible, smart, hardworking but her life could lossen up abit in my opinion(she doesn't have much freedom and not really bothered by it cause it's been like this since she remembers). Rozann's becoming a little like me lol. Being labelled "queer" and, like me, thinks and talks differently from our age group. Really sarcastic in a good way also. Victoria, Vanessa and my other cousins I don't really include in this group so I'll leave them out. Don't talk to them much anyway. Lol it's lame really. I don't have and male friends who're much younger than me.

Food for thought, accept it, it's not my own delusions cause if you took psychology at University level you'd learn this in your lectures.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Samaritan

This is what I just feel like doing now... Just being a good samaritan before I go. Not saving up much on money anymore, doing things you wouldn't expect, I'm even helping some1 clean up their house. I always wanted to be like this, but I always seem to do it halfheartedly. I kinda feel it's a time for change. You guys will love me for the time I'm still around. Still don't know what to do for like 3/4 of you all but do know I really love you guys who get something from me.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Suicide Code..Out of Time; Out of The Clouds

What can I say... I'm running out of time... So many things still left undone before I go and so many things I haven't thought of it just hit me. I have the intense compulse to blog after learning of it but... Nothing really comes to mind except the title. Will call you guys out one by one to say goodbye. Just regret I always misinterpret my predictions, knew I was running out of time but didn't even think it this way. Guess things always bite me where I'm unprepared.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Ame to Unme; Looking To The Sky

It's raining heavily outside now and everyone's asleep. I wonder how long has it been since I last took a stroll in the rain. I used to love it, but it's just nowadays I've been more practical and also it's never raining whenever I walk back home. I think maybe I've stopped merely dreaming, so lets just hope so.

After Coco stopped pacing around the house. it's all quiet except for the chinese sutra machine playing the audio on repeat like until the battery runs out of power. Somehow, unless I remember it's there, I don't actually hear it. I think I'm just used to it and have automatically filtered it as useless background noise.

My luck's been swell lately. Things always get even better at the last minute. It's like when I want to leave Cheryl's house to go home, my dad can call asking if I want to eat dinner. Then he proceeds to fetch me home with dinner already stowed away at the back and I reach home with minimum personal effort. This morning when I woke up bright and early, I didn't have the lappy with me so I just played the psp to waste the day away. But before lunch, my mum asked me to go out with the family to Marina to check out the water display of the new Intergrated Resort. The list just goes on...

Just like Ben, I now have a second home :D you all already know I'm always hanging out over at Cheryl's place. She's like my slacking buddy, her sister is like my sister, her brother is like the brother I never had. C'mon you have to admit even her boyfriend asks if I've gone back when he doesn't see me. It's funny really, but at the same time, it just feels so nice.

Back when I was with Dolly, I always pestered her to let me go over to sleep. Yeah I used to go there just to sleep after a day out with her and then proceed to stay over for a day or 2. Don't know why, but when she started working, it all just stopped. She claimed work's tiring and she couldn't entertain me, or she just wanted to be alone. I always get pissed off after that. The only person who could fully control my mood, the only person who made me not be my usual self, that's what she was to me. I stopped thinking rationally and was lead around by impulse, made so many choices which seem the most stupid to others. It was bittersweet. I thank her for making me open up to life, yet I can only sigh when she never returns my unrelenting love for her. I guess you can say that I'm now living this exact phrase "learning how to let go". Yeah I havn't had an impulse to call her anymore although I do still think of doing so some times. After the last time, I guess you can kind of say I've learnt my lesson. Everything is up to her in our relationship, even now... I do wish she'd just contact me again cause I don't know why she stopped, but then I also ask myself if it's better if we didn't. But right now, I'm in no power to make that decision, it's all hers so it's kind of "none of my concern" type of thing.

Lol damn... Clara's mumbling in her sleep beside me. Can't make out what she said but she's been scratching her ass, her chest and tummy and her "down there" every 5-10 minutes as I continue typing. But even with that, I just laugh at her once and continue looking out into the sky. Coco's turn now, they kinda look like they're taking turns, funny shit, too bad I'm not laughing.

Everything in life is bounded by give and take. I see these people having so much freedom but in turn they kinda have responsibilities as well. They can go out as late as they want, bring friends over anytime, drink and smoke underaged even at home. But then the downside is, they have to do chores(I'm kinda a clean freak so if no one does them for me I'll eventually do it), they have to settle their daily meals (okay so there's food allowance), their house isn't exactly "home sweet home"(but heck it's nice), there's many more thing I could add but I think I've proven a point.

Another example would be my model student group of cousins. They score all 'A's and excel academcally(they suck at lifeskills), they're like all so bloody rich(in money but not experiences), have everything they could ask for(except freedom), have countless amenities available to them(but don't really have the time to really enjoy it often). Man everything in life sure contradicts itself. Oh wait the best thing I want to laugh at is, I get to eat better food on a daily basis than them, all their maids can't cook for nuts and they hardly get to enjoy a good home cooked meal.

Guess no one's 'perfect'... There's always something there's missing in the equation. People say I'm rich, I'm this, I'm that. It's so far from the truth and I don't even try to portray that image. There's always something more you don't know, which balances out the equation.

For myself, have only 1 ex(pathetic), most of my skills and knowledge are kind of useless in the world driven by money(but I know so many things you'd think I was an encyclopedia). Have no accomplishments to be proud of but probably have the skills to make some but then again, no oppotunities. I pride myself in English but I can't even plan a simple composition. Man it's just plain ironic... Everything is...

The sky's clearing now(fingers crossed) and I hope my running nose will stop with the rain. Life is always like this, it could be better, it could be worse, but for my case it's just plain simple. No complications when you really see it clearly, I just gotta remember my own words more often. On a side note... Nickiie I always talk to you but I never ever bother to call you out, lol will remember to one day ^^

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Effigy

Simple changes... Changed my playlist on the blog caused most people just turn it off(including myself) lol. 2 songs which I find I play on repeat for hours on end.

I feel like I'm the only 1 who isn't bounded by an effigy in this world. It's so fucked up. Why can't you people open your hearts and eyes to those around you. I hear so many things about others. Too many infact that if I didn't know better, I'd believe them. Maybe I should really go give cambodia a try. Kai Fen did ask me to go. Why are you people so self centered. Those close, those I hardly know, you never seem to know me, you guys never seem to understand why. It's like the world is only seen through eyes like yours. Somehow I've had enough.

The world is a beautiful place. Can you hear sound of a girl's heart when they blush. Or feel the smile warm your heart when you see something ever so cute. Feel the world go about when you stand still and look. Just stop for a moment and try to feel, no matter how down I feel, it always makes me smile no matter the time, no matter where I am.

I saw life begin and the ship we're in and history unfold.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
.
.
.
No matter what I say or do,
the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart
(Lines from James Blunt - I Really Want You)

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
(Lines from Elton John - Tiny Dancer)

Just wanted to share these words. Cause I find that most people never listen for the meaning in songs. Songs are more than just entertainment. Ever thought of how they're made? Then songwriter pens his/her feelings into words. I bet you people keep wondering why James Blunt, or why metal, I don't seem like that kind of person. The meaning in the songs, that's why. I love the way James Blunt expresses sadness in words, sort of like complaining to the world. If I ever met him, I bet we'd really clique. As for my assorted American/Black Metal. Well... Ever read their lyrics, yeah I know it's hard to understand them but when you do, they so describe your life. No metal songs don't make you emo nor do they mean you're satanic or whatever. It's just plain misconception. Their lyrics are just so beautiful, for those who know how to appreciate them. They're also the main reason why my English never fails even though I've not read a book in 4 years. Almost every song I'll come across a word I've never seen before, then I proceed to read up the meaning and I've learnt a new word.

The things I've learnt while sitting at home rotting. Man they're so rich. Romanian text says Cleopatra was a seductress. But upon further reading of Arabic text, she's actually an intelligent individual and a brilliant leader in her time. She wrote books on medicine and cosmetics, she welcomed scholars. So yea she did seduce Ceasar. But for a 19 year old girl to sneak into the bedroom of the most powerful man on Earth then, was by far no small feat. This phrase "I Rome, do what the Romans do". She pulled it off really well in Egypt. Did you know she was Greek? But she practiced Egyptian customs and even knew their language. The Greek God Horus, the hawk. She translated it into Amun Ra the Egyptian God of the Sun when she ruled Egypt. She even depicted herself as Isis a very popular Egyptian God.

She knew the times well. Religion was everything then and to rule the people, you had to understand them. Egypt was really rich during her time. Only when Ceasar died and Rome was split in half did she fall. Egypt was seen as a treat to Rome and with Ceasar gone their son wasn't recognised as the heir cause it was never annouced. It also meant the treaty was gone. Even the way she commited suicide depicted emphasis on Egyptian religion it's astonishing.

Pretty interesting stuff to come across when you're bumming at home eh? Learnt plenty of other neat stuff. Mainly Science and History.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

An elegy of regret plays in the dead of night

It usually appears that the cold dark nights are what remind you of the pains in your life. But in truth, it is where in the heat of the afternoon where the chilling cold refuses to to lift it's grasp is what i find the worst. The feeling in where it's the most bustling time of the day but everything slows down to a near halt. Where everything is in slow motion and the world is suddenly so quiet. Contradictions... They amplify how we take in the things around us in this world.

I don't know if I'll ever be cured of this. To put her behind me but all I know is that I still have to live on.

Been hanging out everyday(correction night) at Cheryl's place. Nearly every night either Ben or her will call me, lol they give me morning calls in the middle of the night.. I'm now a portable lan shop bringing my lappy over to her place for Clara and Cheryl to play. Just lol... But heck I also play DotA with Calvin side by side and the few of us just slack there together with Riken (Cheryl's boyfriend).

The rapist thing was funny but sadly I couldn't make it. Wanted to be there to see the fella get caught. Lol how stupid can he get for inpersonating a customs officer to catch a couple of girls smoking. Even worse Cheryl is already 18. Yesterday was the first time I saw Mrs Ng laugh as well. No shit. The police followed the 2 girls, Mrs Ng followed the police. She became a detective too! Lawl...

You know sitting down here at 5.44am feels wierd. I'm never home at this time anymore. Also Ben don't worry besides the fact the sponge pouch went missing, you're psp is well taken care of.
Cya later in the afternoon. Man can't wait to RMA my 2 motherboards so I can rot infront of GHIII.

Met Serene on Saturday, was late again lol (go figure). We spent like 3-4 hours at Orchard Far East supposedly looking for a good shirt as a birthday present. Instead she bought bags and more clothes =/... Walked to Little India from there for don't know the how manieth time. Time flies, Sherry joined us on the way (hey new friend ^^) and I brought them to the usual place. As usual too we're like the only group of Chinese teens walking around there. Haha Sherry's also damn cute. I showed her the Indian Macdonalds and she even insisted we go in and walk around.
We found the famous Indian ice cream place too(will go and try it next time). Sherry bought more Indian bangles(they were fucking cheap la). Brought them to Mustafa after the meal. We spent like an hour there testing perfume can you believe it =/. Took the mrt back after and I kinda slept the whole ride. Serene's playing the psp and Sherry was reading National Geograhic.

Dolly still pops into my mind God knows how many times a day. Kinda used to it now. Hope to get over it soon. Still dying to see her but it's though I'm hoping for a miracle that she'd somehow change or something. Don't know who still reads my blog but lol. I'll just post something whenever I feel like it.

Oh yea.. I got invited to become an editor for pokechild.com. I won't tell you what it is. Just check it out. I will be contributing a post or 2 eventually so lets see if you can spot what is written by me.

The Elegy still plays... I still feel the scars of my past... But I still walk forward with a smile... That's just the kind of guy I am...

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Me

How I wish I could surrender my soul;

Shed the clothes that become my skin;

See the liar that burns within my needing.

how I wish I'd chosen darkness from cold.

how I wish I had screamed out loud,

Instead I've found no meaning.

I guess it's time I run far, far away;find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

How I wish I could walk through the doors of my mind;

Hold memory close at hand,Help me understand the years.

How I wish I could choose between Heaven and Hell.

How I wish I would save my soul.I'm so cold from fear.

I guess it's time I run far, far away; find comfort in pain,

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

Hides my true shape, like Dorian Gray.

I've heard what they say, but I'm not here for trouble.

Far, far away; find comfort in pain.

All pleasure's the same: it just keeps me from trouble.

It's more than just words: it's just tears and rain.

Songs... They're what go through my mind always. I think in pictures. I am never alone. I always talk to myself up in my head. Slowly figuring out what the pictures I see in my head mean. Yes it sounds as if I'm one step from being crazy. In fact I really am. If certain criteria are met I will be. The above song describes my current life. In fact, any and all 'emo' songs that comes to mind just are able to describe my life. Why? The way I face life it's just sad. But being sad doesn't mean I don't get happy or I don't stop living.

I am everything all together. I am sad, I am caring, I am lazy, I am hardworking, I am smart, I am stupid and the list goes on. It just depends what comes out. I believe we all are. So if each of them represents a color and I'm everything, means I am the color black. So no matter what you do to me, no matter what you make me feel, I'll always return to being black. Yes adding white will result in grey, but can you ever add enough white in my life? Don't forget the amount of white needs to be equal.

Lies.. What do they mean to you? Look beyond the lie, beyond words, beyond actions. What do you see? The reason they do. I've done the biggest taboo in lying. It got so big and lasted so long it became the truth. Till now it still haunts me once in awhile. My friends might be lying, but are they lying to me or lying to everyone or worse lying to everyone including themselves. Let me tell you, to me the worst equals to the person being the most needy. Of course this onnly applies to people I care about. In normal cases I just take it lightly.

Anger.. Few people have actually seen me angry cause I hardly ever do. In life only afew things and afew people mean enough to actually make me angry. If you ever make me angry, it just means I actually care about what you say and think.

I am a shadow to those I follow. You hit me but you feel the pain.No matter where you run or what you do to me, when the Sun shines again, I'll just be right by your side. Never give up, never turn your back away, never doubt. Thats what those close mean to me. My brothers you'll always be.

Pure

The world is the future
A whore to a strong man
Our weakened feet will try
To dwell in a lie
They tell me we're losin'
Our talent of using
The dead mans' deed as guide

So far from the truth...

We praised in the name of good and love, no never again
We saw the death that raped the blood of all those men
We praised in the name of just and righteousness, no never again
We found the thought that plagued this world
Strong and blind...

Let the plague be purged
Dark is the night that had set to your mind

Let the plague be purged
Sweet in the pride that reflects in your eyes

And as the morning comes
Let us bear the burdens of our crimes
A human claims a rightful share to pain
Paint the sky black
Paint the floor red
And forever and ever burn
And burn

We burned in the name of good and love,no never again
The holy flames that craved the flesh, were lit unpure
We screamed in the name of just and righteousness, no never again
We found the thought that plagued this word
It was strong and blind...

As we head towards eternal
For the better, for this time
We let go all these bound aries
For the last time I repent

Let the plagued be purged
Dark is the night that had set to your mind

Let the plagued be purged
Sweet is the pride that reflects in your eyes

Wrest is the truth from your hands...

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Sands of time

The song of the world plays,
Playing for you to dance away the time.
Flashing lights bring fleeting moments to pass.
And it is fleeting moments I remember my dark mistress by.
Her mind chaos consumed,
Forever drawing itself to ruin.

These eyes see all...
As everything moves in slow motion.
As alcohol and adrenaline are pumping,
As the high people dance away.
Dance the night away.
Those in joy speed through time,
Those otherwise are cursed to slowly count the sands that fall.
As tears don't fall,
They crash around me.

Cursed are the timeless...
Cursed to watch time seep through their hands.
Unable to grasp time,
We remain frozen while the world ages away.
As the ages pass,
All that is left are fleeting memories
Our image is only seen in fleeting moments in time.
When we are ever noticed,
But never held on to.
We drift across the sea of time...

Always thought that I would love to live by the sea one day,
To travel the world alone and live my life simply unbounded.
I have no idea what's happened to that dream,
Cause there's really nothing left here to stop me.
As my sweet demoness is everything but here.
Why do I seek the be bounded?
Bounded by what hurts as the manacles cuff me ever so tightly.
Not knowing how to let go.
I live my life waiting for salvation,
Or death.
With this I pray...

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Many thanks

The stillness of time is only felt after the end, Ted.(Myself)
Time is a killing system with numbers attached to it, Gibran.(My good brother in Sri Lanka)

If you combine these 2 quotes together you get the following. Time is 1 step closer to killing us with every passing second. Time is endless after death has come. Now if you put it into context in life. Dying would equal losing something irreplaceble in your life and what comes after death is the endless torment of the memories; for memories are timeless.

Well this is a special post going out to several people who've helped me out, even though they might not know it. Firstly Ben, thanks for always being there, you're always the only one who thinks of me when you want to go out. Basically I feel like you're the only one who thinks of me at all.

Then next is for people who've been my listening ear and have given me great advice. Matthew, your one line of advice has helped me peservere alot, we do see things the same way most of the time and although we aren't close but we're connected(Another thing I have to thank Ben for). Wolf , you gave me great relationship advice though it's so hard to heed to it, I'm not sure I'm ready to be an adult. Serene Peh, you always try to be cheerful and it always helps a little. You hear what I have to say even though you might not understand and put effort to at least try to. Even though you sigh about what's happening in my life, you still try to cheer me on whenever I talk to you and it's just really nice.

There's also people who's not quite there anymore but you'll forever be in my mind. Bjorn, though you're not in the country anymore we still chat alot at intervals in our lives. Bridget, okay so you're now a prisoner of your past mistakes. But it was fun being with you, trying to put myself in your shoes those days you were running away from authority. It was nice that back then you thought of me as one of your options. It gave me something to do and it started to make me care for people again. You just feel so much like kin though we didn't know each other that well. It's nice chatting with you again after so long, you'll always be like a sister to me.

Going on with the list, Krystie you just make me feel like you're a really nice person. You have a really beautiful heart. Even though I don't know you really well, by the things you've done for me, those little things, they just made me feel this way about you. Ken, I've heard nothing but bad things about you from others. But you and me.. We somehow came up with an unspoken agreement that we'll stick to being DotA buddies. I don't know how you are in real life and I don't really care. All I know is you're here keeping company with me when I'm bored and also a convenient person to rant at(Thanks for the quote "Life goes on even though you're emo"). Shu Xian jie jie I'm not forgetting to mention you too, you're always so bubbly and though you're not really bright and speak mainly chinese, you're just a really nice girl. Even if we didn't really work out hanging together as we're just in different worlds, you'll always be my Jie Jie. Miss you! Before I forget, Kenneth Fu too. You recently initiated a conversation with me, gave me some advice though it's irrelevant but nice of you to suddenly pop up.

My family has also been another one, I don't mean my direct family but my whole family in Singapore. My grandaunt seems like her last wish is that us cousins will get along and hang out together. Though I've drifted away from that awhile back, I'm starting to value those I share the same blood with again. They're the ones that do all the little things in life that just make me smile.

I'm in the process of fixing a broken life, a broken heart. I'm still blinded by love, still blinded by the thing that hurts so much, the only thing good I can say about it is that it overshadows something everyone is bothered about, my future. I really can't thank you people enough for all the little things you've done that if you've never noticed, has meant so much to me. I'm crying as I type this. I'll never forget you guys, for memories are eternal. As for my love, I don't want to ruin the beautiful image I have to remember you by.

Ted,
Breaking free of the paradigm

A blood filled glass tipped in toast to love

A shallow little jackal of a man posing as a hawk,
Conniving opportunist.
Lease the blade the gun the bomb,
In the name of Justice.
A violent panacea for what ails the heart.
In advancement for the pig.
Wrest is the truth from your hands.
Propelled by aggression...

My eyes,
Never closed clarity,
Clamped down in a grit so ordinary on life.
Peering through a curtain of blood.
Retribution or vengeance it matters not which.
My sweet demoness,
Eyes clouded from the truth,
Mind spiced with ambivalence.
With weakened neck in the noose,
You swallow it all.

Commerce brings war.
Jihad has come to both sides.
Eye for an eye fire for fire.
Gaining revenge as things escalate.
Riches bring nothing but loneliness,
But the poor strive to achieve.
Left bankrupt we all die inside.
This will never end,
Without much choice,
By the fiscal elite.
War is set in motion by higher powers,
A pissing contest for the unknown.

As a couple jumps hand in hand to their deaths,
Wrapped in swaddling lies and laid in dumpster.
Played by a higher power.
It is but a game.
Someone needs to tip the nest,
To bring salvation to the confused and doubtful.
Faith in yourself,
Faith in the old gods,
Faith in fate,
Faith in retribution.
It is a lie you have to believe in if you want it to come true.
Fear of the unknown,
Fear of loneliness,
Fear of death.
If you are filled with faith there is no space for fear.
For I am faithful.
Faithful in my own strength.
Faithful in my ability to play with the strings of fate.

The pig ascends,
As I sink deeper.
A loathing sight.
Unable to take misconceptions,
The ruling force of this world.
A misanthropic man seeks.
Waiting for death.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

The last letter

Dear Dar,

You might want to ask me why is it I post what I want to tell you in a blog, where everyone else can read. Then why don't you look back and question yourself. When was the last time you listened to my complaints without trying to defend yourself or change it to an arguement. Today just watching my friend getting up on the ambulance on a stretcher and talking with another on the mrt home. I just finally decided to post this to you.

There's a saying that goes "if you leave treasure out in the open, it's just asking to get stolen". If I am what you say. I am someone special to you. How long are you going to leave me out in the open, cold and alone?

For the past two months, I've felt like a dog. I bark at you for attention but you scold or otherwise ignore me. I ask for your company but you avoid me or rather be alone. I ask for your care and concern but you turn and try to become strict with me.

I missed the days you kept me on a short leash. Always looking forward to meeting me. Giving me incentive to know I'm loving the right person. Those days I felt like a loved puppy. You hardly ever keep to your promises and we didn't have much money to spend. But I can gladly say that those days were the happiest in my life. The days I spent with you at the start.

As I grew older as your dog, you started imposing requirements on me. I have to stop wasting my life and get a job, I have to stop being 'emo' etc. Being consumed by this, you forgot what it means to commit anymore. To look after me and continue to show love and affection. With this, I've lost meaning of why I have always and will continue to gladly put up with you just because I love you.

So now I wish to say this, if my owner is going to continue treating me like this. Leaving me alone. Never spending time to spend with me anymore. Never even making me feel loved anymore. This dog of yours will run away from home. For if there's no warmth in a home, it is but a house which you stay in. If feel there's no love from your spouse or partner, it's just commitment keeping them together. And now, I feel as if there's just a little commitment to each other, but I don't feel the love.

I would like to repeat that I'm still deeply in love with you. But if you don't even return any I'm trying to shower you with. I will slowly start to do it less and less. Eventually not at all. If you want me to wait for you, just tell me. If you have problems you otherwise don't know how to share verbally. I've always been really good at just reading you. If you still treasure and want me, you know how and where to find me. I'm not asking for a phone call with you avoiding the whole thing unless I press for an answer. If till now pride is more important, let me just tell you that prideful beings are always alone. I don't mean literally alone. But how many people in the world can you say know you in and out, and have been and will always be there for you.

I know you've been going out with another close friend the past few days when you had spare time after work. You've started to call him and even gave a hug on monday. If that's how you treat "just a friend". Then why don't you compare that to how you treat your dar? You're returning his love and care. Then proceed to avoid mine, I don't see why is that so. Stop telling me about I do this and that, at that time I could've broken up with you shit. Why don't you ask yourself over the course of two months plus, you've broken up with me three times. You've made me sad, angry and even cry countless times. I could've also said I would have broken up with you back then.

I still get sad cause you find excuses to not meet me up till now. I still get sad cause you don't even bother to contact me cause you say I'm 'emo'. Well you're the one who makes me emo in the first place most of the time, if you aren't aware of it now. Don't try to scold me cause I'm blaming you, and start to think, would you get 'emo' if i started neglecting you and avoiding you?

I heard a good phrase from someone unexpected "even if you're emo, you still have to live". So I can put in in use about 'us' and say. Even though I'm said, you still have to love me. If not, it just defeats the whole purpose of us being together in the first place.

Do you remember what you've said in the past? "You're special, you're a boyfriend I'm completely comfortable with and can be myself." So why are you being uncomfortable now? If you say I'm emo, then start making me happy, instead of just plain complaining and asking me to do something about it.

You're important that's why I get happy so easily, you're important that's why I get sad and cry so easily and, you're important that's why I get angry so easily.

I only have a rough idea what's going through your mind now, because I've been so far apart from you, I can only guess and don't know anymore. It seems from the way you say things, I've been ill treating you. But did you remember I cried and gave the reason as "you treat me like shit". The positive advice I receive from friends like, "if she's like that, how long more can you endure? You can't expect a miracle to change her overnight". Yes it's true I don't expect you to suddenly change. But if you're not even trying to find time to spend with me. You'd rather go out with friends cause I'm emo or rather stay at home and relax. Then there isn't really a point anymore.

I'm not giving you much time anymore, for I have been waiting and waiting all along. Since the day we patched, have you ever asked me out? All I ever did this month was to basically be a bolster once a week. But for the past 7 days or more, we didn't even meet at all. So you tell me, you say we're not progessing. But how much is it my fault and how much is it yours? Is work really that important? Is your pride really that important that you don't want a boyfriend like this? Then I'm sad to say that I've been reduced to a boyfriend, and not a special someone you'd go all out for. I feel as though I'm just someone in your life, who's slowly drifting away. I no longer feel I'm the special someone.

Whatever you tell me next, if it's not something like "I want you", or "I'm sorry I'll try but please give me some time". Then you might just hear me call for a breakup. And when I breakup means it's over. Think about it. But if you're going to jus avoid it or complain then it's safe to say I feel like I'm not that important to you. I've said afew times that "as long as you love me, I'd do everything in my power to keep us together". But if I really don't feel the love, I'll just take it as you don't love me anymore. It's better to break now than for you to continue hurting me or hurt me even worse in the future and if you don't even keep a promise when I want you to mean it, then what do I have to hold on to? When was the last time you even called me dar on msn?

Yours sincerely,
Ted

The parasite of paradise

With burnt desire I yearn for my dark mistress,
Awaiting her acceptance,
Her approval.
I've seen the ages pass by.
A callused soul;
The stench of decay.

Perseverence grips my heart,
And in the twilight hours I pray,
Pray for the strings of fate to guide me.
Pray for my sweet demoness to beckon me.
For I am but a parasite of paradise,
Hidden within the sweet sanctuary of life.
Cursed..
To be a step away from salvation,
But never reach it.
To never have a life of my own,
Can only share it.
Decorated veteran of solitude,
Medals add to the heap.

The eyes of the patriot,
Fixed through the scope.
The unknowing tyrant,
Walks to the rope.
It's where murder is justice that matyrs are made,
A one gun salute to a new independance day.
They'll hallow your name.
They'll hallow your name for your sacrifice.
You are the cause,
I am the effect.
Created in hatred a noose for your neck.
Never ending..
Never relenting..
Tireless..

The manacles bind me to this darkened fate.
So again I pray..
Beseeching my dark mistress,
Her liquid embrace;
Chasing away the day ever so sweetly.
Take me under your black wings.
So sweetly she shucks,
Away at my time.
So sweetly she draws me nigh.
Destroyer of senses.

Never wanted your acceptance.
Never wanted your approval.
Never wanted to be anything but me.
Never wanted anything but to be right there with you.

Speak in defense of our good name,
The blood of kin grants absolution.
I'll join them soon enough,
In the ground of god's country.
Jacked up on taste of self-destruction.


Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Omerta

The paradigm broken,
For the day might soon come that ink well runs dry,
And must be filled with blood of the scribe.
Hopeless... demon of another day.
Colorless... stoned, solid grey.
Emptiness... of promises I made.
So faithless... the tenants long betrayed.
Silence, the only promise ever kept.
Familiar touch, a ritual to numb the cut
The siren's song is but a locked door away.
This id what has been wrought,
For the tongues of men and angels are bought by a beloved betrayer.
I am the result of the unspoken.
I've been all ears when you're talking.
Anguish is realising what might have been but never was
Words meant to dwell in darkness,
Shall never see the light of day.
The execution of the mandate,
Waiting for the hammer to come down.
Mouth full of dirt.
It's only getting worse,
Only worth a moment's regret.
Each dawn another curse,
every breath a twisting blade.
Your name will be removed from the registry,
Empty eyes will greet and turn and lock the gate.
Cheaply venal,
Stupidly verbose.
Omerta...
Sing for me now.
What will be left behind in the ashes of the wake.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.



Dear dar,

I know you all too well. The life you lead. The friend you confide in. Salvation lays dormant within you while the hour of reckoning draws near. You are the dark mistress of many, beholden only to me. Seek to understand Sin†ner™ but do not heed the words of the demented. They are all but rantings.

Another grey morning dawns the ashen sky, awaiting my sweet demoness to beckon me. A clouded judgement day is fueled. I'm a hard-boiled son of a bitch, calluses on my soul. Scraping away on the down hill grind, as life slowly unravels.

With nothing to show but wasted time and dust. A thousand points falling on your deafened funeral eardrums. I will rise above, so extract your life. Will you look within, then turn around and bite?

I continue in hopes of returning to solace. So sweetly honeysuckled on the tongue. The sound of silence blesses my ears, enveloping like your embrace I will one day lie in. The love you is planted deep and strong, I will carry it wherever I go. So take me back to where I belong.

Yours sincerely,
Ted

Letter to my dar

Dear dar,

You say I speak gibberish when it is that which I pride myself in, my accomplishment in my language. The way I express myself in words are "emo" to you. But, they are to me, words that continue to fill the pages of the book I call my life. I seem empty to you because you only look at the surface. The conquests I pursue are that you cannot follow. Though they might seem insignificant to you, they are what I treasure dearly in my life. I'm not a social butterfly because I choose not to, there's nothing wrong with it. So don't treat it as something is wrong. To me, there's more to life than just work and having fun with friends. There's more than one way to live a life and I'm just trying to live happily my way.

I know you want to help me like how I have and always will, if you only allow. You say I'm boring. But, haven't you been unable to understand me as of yet? In "us", it is a journey you must go through alone. If it is as you say and you do want to spend your life with me, I leave you with words of advice: "certain things take a lifetime, others take but an insignificant fraction. Do heed that misconception drives the world around".

I leave some things out of our conversations, just cause, I do not want you to worry. They are things I can only rely on myself and you are unable to help.. Yet. Maybe someday. "One man's paradise, is another man's living hell" , though you see me now as confining myself. To me, I'm just using what time I have left to live as a child, before I serve the nation. Yes I'm bored at times as I'm mostly alone, but it's just part of life.

You say "work hard, play hard" but to me, it's either work or play. I'm a devoted gamer, gaming has been with me for more than 10 years. Since I started playing on SEGA, it's already a part of me.I'm an anime otaku, yes I watch anime everyday with most titles I can't even commit to memory. These are all but hobbies I indulge and love very much.

You don't want me wasting my life like you did in the past. Not doing anything. Just plain slacking. But weren't you the one who says sometimes I seem so old. I'm unable to tell you everything upfront just because of the fact my mind is a huge archive. I always plan things on a subconscious level. You know I multi-task in my head. You know it's really messy up there. So stop trying to look in as I have trouble tidying up to be ready for you to visit.

Rest assured dar.. I won't be doing what I do now even a year down the road, so don't look so far as 10. Why don't you look at us now instead, not our future. You've been looking too far ahead to not see the problems we're actually facing now. I continue to long for you, I continue to miss you and I will continue to love you. For you are that special one.

So dar, I plead with you. For everything I say, always leave room for more. For everything I do, there's always a side you don't yet know. Just lean on me again like you used to. Share again like you always have. Let me take the lead and do not doubt. To put it simply, don't be afraid to ask of me, don't keep me at arm's length anymore.

In closing, jus hold my hand tightly and follow, for it won't go wrong. People change.. My mom changes.. She won't shout at you anymore. Don't give yourself unnecessary worries. It's okay to be selfish at times, but don't forget you own me, as I own you. When I'm sad, you get affected by it even though you don't want to. So just cheer me up and you'll be happy as well.

Yours sincerely,
Ted