Resolution...

This heart I filled with sorrow has made me realise the heartbeat in life. The pulse that makes you feel alive.

My ambition... The blazing trials which could not phase me, now I say sadness is stronger. If you've never felt what it's like to be down, you'll never have the resolve to work your way up.

This heart which has known love and borne into sorrow, is what makes me strong... I don't need to put behind that which ails the heart but in turn make it my strength.

Haha it's funny I came up with the inspiration for these few lines watching the eyes of 2 people fighting each other in an anime.

Don't forget that the trials in life is what makes you stronger therefore the phrase "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".

Will continue on this post once I come back.. [Edit: okay continuing on]

Rushed off to Somerset before I could finish the post that day. Went over to Chattsworth and Peranakan Place.. You know the whole stretch of old Peranakan houses where plenty of SPGs (Sarong Party Girls) stay. There was one pub which caught my eye over there, Dolly told me of it once but I can't remember the name, anyway yeah the decor was really nice.

My mom kept going on about this place which was 10times better than Sakae Sushi so we went ahead to check out the place. Man miss the sushi days, they're so not filling and I can keep going on and on and on. Ate plenty at Ichiban Boshi (the place my mom kept going on about) about like 10 tamaki(handrolls) and like 20 over plates of other assorted sushi. The rest of the family ate like uhh half of what I did. Also had my first try of Sake. Hot sake to be exact. Man when I used to words "taste like Martell" it really reminds me of "taste like chicken". The phrase is used to like describes all foods and my taste like Martell is used to describe all alcohol lol.

Had my class reunion like the day before this, haven't seen the guys in more than a year cause I missed out on the previous reunion.

Okay will continue on this later got stuff to do at 1:10am in the morning. (lol?)

Nevermind I'll make a new post :D

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

In a daze

Been missing too many things lately.. Too many people.. Somehow it just feels that I'm submitting myself to my future and not looking back. True and inevitable as it may be, I just feel that I'll miss everything. Don't even know if I'll be back here 2 years from now or never again. It just feels like the first time I'm stepping into the unknown and not being able to calculate what happens to keep myself mentally prepared.

The feeling of loss maybe... It's a new 1, can't say I like it, but it's good to feel something different. Keeps life interesting that way. I don't like the feeling of being hungry but not wanting to eat either cause I already ate all my meals but then it's good to feel something new. It's fun to see yourself choosing the less desirable outcome and see what you'll do to make things get back on track. I mean like, I'm hungry so I whip up say a 3rd lunch and maybe supper while I'm at it. Then tomorrow I'll start feeling more fats pilling up. You see what I mean lol, it's the norm for me to be able to guess the few probable outcomes but this time I'm acting blindly.

The suspense is just seriously building up. I feel so constipated but I don't know where to explode all the pent up energy on. *Sigh* Guess this is what all those confused people around the world feel. Ironic when something only becomes cystal clear when it's past it's time. 'Better late then never' is how the saying always goes. Haha... I just wish for once my life would balance out. *Smiles* Guess now you know why I'm special. I can be a complete oblivious idiot for mundane necessities but know so much about some so out of the blue you'd wonder what I've been doing behind your back.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Pride and Glory; Pride and Prejudice

It's become a pressing issue and I find the need to clarify and talk about this to anyone who bothers to read.

I myself have very litle pride, because I weight things in another way, I don't have any morales either, same reason I see things differently. All these doesn't mean I'm a bad person or whatever.

Alot of people can say that I'm a nice guy because I'm more of a "ask and you shall receive" kind of person. Damn I feel like I'm really suited for being an 'on fire' Christian but again another part of me doesn't want to. I can't really commit to something like this but I've took all the lessons learnt from church and grasped the meaning from them. To me learning to be a good person is enough.

I'm completely random cause my personality changes back and forth, it isn't till the extent it's like split personality but due to certain things I can be a little different each day.

Just for classification sake cause I see things differently than others. To the people around me a 'brother' would equate somewhat to my 'kyoudai'(siblings). I'm just going by my msn labels cause it's easier to sort of the general public that way. Okay so I might not grasp the whole importance of the brotherhood thing. But then I have my own way. You guys are just irreplaceble.

This group of important people consist of Ben(he was my first real friend),Matthew(Cause he's Ben's brother as well and I sort of can see if we could spend more time together we'd also be close),Nicholas(Cause well he's also closely related to Ben but I also had the time to get to know him and plus being related to each other that way we already treated each other extra importantly).

Next there's Bjorn(an ex classmate of my cousin, I got to really talk to him only after he left the country and we really hit off well till the point he's in this category).

Bridget's also another 1(the way in which I got to know her was kind of wierd but then the short time we hung out together she really became like a little cousin I dote on).

Dolly/Kazio/my ex is the last person(well I once said once you're this close, you'll forever be like family to me. Might not be in the romantic sense now but she's still someone I consider close no matter if we still talk or not).

Next are the people I would call 'tomadachi'(friends). The word 'friend' can be very vague but to me those I actually call friends number in the few. The good friends are Maira (I call her boyfriend), Lovely (some 15 y/o girl I'm really proud of), Ms Ang (she used to be my counsellor), Serene (my poly classmate but I really talked to her alot out of class and we hit off well) and Shu Xian(Jie jie!). Most of these people I see once every few months but still having the notion of them being good friends despite that makes it all the more sincere. For the friends category I have Sha, Jie Ying, Jo, Rachel, Dimitri aka Wolf, Ken aka PerfectKen (So what if you guys claim he's a bastard, it's comfortable talking to him and I've shared with him my fair share of problems and etc.. etc..).

Another out of the box group would be Cheryl Ng, Calvin Ng and Clara Ng. Cheryl's an old primary school classmate and I recently bumped into her again. The past few weeks I've spent like at least a quarter of my time at their house just bumming around and it's like I've kinda accepted them as additional family. Clara's like my little sister, Calvin's the little brother I never had and Cheryl's the sister I don't really bother talking to (<--- lawl at this). These about all the people I actually talk to. I do know plenty of people but mainly due to circumstances they're just aqquaintances, sad to say. I don't really have a wide variety of people I go out with nor do I often get to spend alot of time with all of them(it's more of a round robin thing).

"You might have all the riches in the world but feel empty

You might be the poorest man in the world but lead the most fufilling life"

I don't consider myself having a sad life nor being lonely at all. If you judge it that way then let it be so to you, what matters is loving myself.

Little by little I'm slowly learning what 'Pride' actually is. Yeah it sounds stupid but I don't really know what it's like to have it. It's just recent events have spun 'Pride' to appear in my life really often to the point I actually get its significance. So it comes to pass I'm getting this crucial thing and I just feel it's time to repay the favor by letting whoever doesn't know me to understand.

I'm the guy who reminisces of the past it's just sad
I'm the guy who doesn't seem to anger
I'm the guy who always smiles even though I'm getting scolded
I'm the guy who always smiles even though I cry
I'm not a sad person suffering after a breakup,
but an individual who's grown up after an important life lesson
I face the world with a smile on my face so don't think I feel otherwise...

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

In the quiet lane down the road

Are they calling for our last dance?

I see it in your eyes... In your eyes...

Same old moves for a new romance I could use the same old lies, but I'll sing

Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I, just shone, just shone

And when silence greets my last goodbye

The words I need are in your eyes

And I'll sing .....

Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I just shone, just shone

So shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made

But you and I just shone, just shone

A really touching song to add to my all time favourites collection. Won't spoil the fun and say what song it is so you're prolly gunna have to guess this time, alternatively it wouldn't hurt to ask me either. Say... Don't you think it's just so quiet and calm. It's just the way I love it when I'm alone. The song really made me reminisce on things. Not just the times with my ex. But all the quality times I've spent with anyone and everyone who's meant something to me.

I kinda remembered the times with Bri and Ben, well cause when this song was playing they were the last 2 people I talked to. I miss the times Ben would call me to wake up and play WoW/DotA with him in the past. We'd then delay it for another 1-2 hours cause I'm up cooking and he just wakes me up beforehand cause he knows my habits, well to a certain extent anyway. Bastard and petty as he is, he's my brother and I'll love him for that. Lol we've argued over games and over lots of wierd stuff that makes no sense when you come to think of it but then we're both just like that to begin with, completely random. No matter how much we bitch to others about each other or how we end up in little bitch fights it'll always be the same.

Bri kinda came like the wind 1 day and then she left the same way. Funny when you think about it but she gave me plenty of good memories anyway. C'mon you just got to agree her life's about the closest thing to a drama series. I remember I told Lovely something like that before and we both had a good laugh.

I remember I told someone this before but I'll repeat anyway. "All my life I've not come across any real problems and everything was smooth, but it was troublesome and problematic when you're around. But I'll have it no other way". It's like life's no fun without things happening, everything just became stale which made me cold. You guys opened me up without knowing it. Through the good times and the bad, they were both fun.

I miss having solemn moments... They always get spoilt by a certain someone. Going out to everone who's facing anything in their life,

"Shine on, just shine on

Close your eyes and they'll all be gone

They can scream and shout that they've been sold out, but it paid for the cloud that we're dancing on

So shine on, just shine on

With your smile just as bright as the sun

Cause they're all just slaves to the Gods they've made"

It's more than words I have in my blog, for the words hold my feelings....

Sin†ner™

Do not wonder,

for I am but a shadow.

The girl that everyone says yes to

I'm sure you people have come acrossed at least someone like this before. They laugh, they smile, they cry and other people will always be there at their beckon. Alot of people like to tell me about the hidden agenda in others. It's like when my pay got delayed by like a week, Ben was saying stuff like "what if they cheat me or don't pay me at all". All I could say was then "what can I do anyway?". Certain things is needless to worry about cause it just wastes time and energy. Yeah although in that previous example there are some things I could've done to get my money, but then I was nearly a 100% sure I was getting it anyway(late or not) so I wasn't really bothered.

You might say some people have all the luck or some people just live the life, it's just because they make people live around them. You might not get what I mean but let's just put it this way, these are the kinds of people that anchor others together, the charismatic/knowledgeble middle man. There is nothing wrong with it so.. Don't be angry, don't be jealous... The ley lines of society, well there is something like that metaphorically. Hah, I once told Bri to find out the why of the why of the why of the why and this "ley line" can be called that stream.

*Sigh* The PsOne is calling my brother's friends are challenging me.. Will continue on this soon enough..

A good bro of mine is the America has this really catchy phrase "there's beauty in the breakdown" man gotta love that lol. Bet you guys don't know what it means anyway. I find it true enough that there's a hidden beauty in all things good and bad. Maybe this'll give a good enough hint. Alright time to get on with daily life..

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Effigy; The Dying Animal

It was an artsy type movie... Just resembled so much in my life... The movie is called "Effigy" and since i recently used that word as 1 of my blog titles I decided to watch it while waiting for the Sun to rise. This was the summary they used:
"Cultural critic David Kepesh finds his life -- which he indicates is a state of \"emancipated manhood\" -- thrown into tragic disarray by Consuela Castillo, a well-mannered student who awakens a sense of sexual possessiveness in her teacher."

So I though what the heck sounds interesting but as the movie progressed I just felt sad... My summary is that well the main character 'he' fell in love with 'her' the student. They had sex and he started to ponder about them after a certain period of time when he found that he just couldn't stop thinking about her the day she wasn't there. They progressed in the relationship till the extent that 'his' supposedly parter who's slept with him for 20 years even found 'her' tampon in 'his' house. He lied, well executed I might add and they remained as per normal cause she bought his words. 'She' later asked for him to attend her graduation party and meet the parents. It was then he got tied back by the conversation they had earlier about their future together. She had planned for them to marry etc.. etc.. but then he was afraid to commit. Didn't turn up at the party and came up with a lame excuse. She never called back...

He talks to this bestfriend about it all through the relationship and his advice was what had happened, just a fling(in summary of course). He told 'him' that he had over analysed a simple matter and in the end nature just took it's course. 'He' slowly learned to move on with the help of his bestfriend. 'His' life continued the way it should, giving relationship advice doing cultural stuff and being lonely with his occasional partner showing up.

'His' bestfriend died on his bed and his last act was to kiss his wife, it was touching really, they had just recovered from a rough patch and finally found each other again. 'He' briefly claimed later that he had recovered from everything and was back to normal but soon took his words back as the loneliness hit him twice as hard. Without 'his' bestfriend and confidant, he was truely alone. 'He' confessed his sins to his parter and they parted ways with the best wishes to each other.

Time passed and 'she' called him again. He played the message over and over breaking down and crying. For he said that "all these time I spent, all these years, it was as though they prepared me for this moment". He pondered to possibilities of 'her' wanting to meet up like 'she' getting married and wanting 'his' best regards and several others.

He freshened up, plucked up all his courage and called the girl he could never forget, for she was the only one who made him feel alive. He stutters but finally found his voice to talk to 'her'. 'She' proceeds to head over to 'his' place and they reminisce in their minds while they enact the usual formalities. 'She' explained to him that she has breast cancer and will be undergoing the operation 2 weeks later. An additional request 'she' asked was for 'him' to take pictures of her body once more before they "ruined it". The words that came out of her mouth "I know you once loved me, onced loved my body" was her plea to him. Not bearing to turn down the woman he loves he agrees to it and things are reluctantly set into motion.

'He' offers the simplest of things but was turned down and they parted. After the surgery 'he' went to visit her and she was glad yet surprised he came. For 'he' had made his decision, knowing or unknowingly. As 'he' sat on her bed next to her and 'she' lie in his embrace, with her right breast gone they movie ends with them seemingly spending the rest of their lives together.

The movie was based on this book called "The Dying Animal". The similarities in what I'm going through right now, it's undeniable and I can only deduce the same things as before while being unable to act for fear of letdown once again. Going through the same things in life made the story reach all the more into my heart. Yes there was one regret in my life and I feel as though all my experiences were only to prepare me for what's to come. Some people might not be happy about this but it is my decision to carry on this way. I choose to be sad so when the days finally change, I would truely be happy.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

It's just so dark

1:17am now and it's way dark. The whole mansion here reminds me of those ghost shows on tv and it's freezing cold to beat, the whole house is filled with air conditioning. Guess I'm blogging cause I'm kinda bored and the cordless phone here has no dail tone -.-"... Guess my aunt didn't put down the corded phone downstairs.

Man my first time having any sort of massage and my shoulders were abit sore when I woke up at 11 30pm for my leftover bbq food. Cousin's downstairs prolly playing WoTLK. Basically it's only me who'd be walking around the house. Oh yea! There my uncle at 2nd floor watching soccer. Man Utd vs something.

Guess with everyone close doing something I only got my blog to talk to, really want to call people to chat but guess not. Always end up calling the same few people anyway. Hmm talking about phone calls, used to talk to Dolly over the phone daily before she sleeps but then we'd just be talking about daily life, feels kind of superficial in a sense that I talk to other people more engagingly. Maybe I'm just too shy around her.

Damn I realise I still talk about her way too much, like once a post =/

Yeah and for the song of the day... It's Jason Mraz : I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run outI'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's gonna to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me
All - ah peaceful melodyAnd it's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Scooch on closer dear
And I will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
I won't hesitate no more, no moreIt cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Nice song really and learning it now as I'm like chatting/playing DotA thinking of some stuff ^^.
I don't understand why I can always have time when it's needed it's just so easy and the song says it all
"Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment, maybe sing with me".
Also about listening to the moment, I remember in an earlier post I talked about just stopping to listen to the sounds of life and well , that's it. Just sing with it and maybe you'll enjoy it. Don't think so much is what I like to tell most people "look into your heart". MOST IMPORTANT "open up your plans" they're there for you not the other way around. They can be easily changed so it's simple to set time aside for people no matter how busy you are it's just how much you want it or how important it is.

Food for thought..

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Back to the primary basics

When I say primary I meant primary industry(reference from geography). Went back in time today, metaphorically speaking that is. Drove and ate breakfast at some double story hawker centre at Bukit Timah, Drove down Kranji and toured the farms, notebly the goat farm and Bollywood farm.

The goat farm reminded me of the time I spent in Perth, Australia when I milked the animals there. Bollywood farm was quite interesting in the fact that the owner was an aquaintance of ours. We chit-chatted with her for awhile and toured around her organic farm, I tell you that woman is seriously living the life. Ex husband's the retired NTUC chairman, brother's some big shot hoo-ha lawyer, she's the ex national netball head, lives across her farm too. OMGosh much? Yeah how many people in Singapore can say they live opposite their farm. She's an organic person if you haven't realised. Organic restaurant on the farm and all. We heard some interesting stuff from her which I think people should spread around. She heard from a rice expert that Singapore's Thai rice imports are the main reason we get diabetes. Yeah the thing I'll surely remember about her is she's great at socialising and I've noted afew skills I could use myself lol.About my farm trip, will upload the pictures I took when I get home maybe sometime Monday or later. Would like the say *wish you were here* to a certain person as well.

Went to the opening of the Kranji Resort as well. Lol kinda talked our way into going in there without invitations cause we were driving classy cars. Hardly 2 minutes into the place and we stepped into a shop to enjoy the air con cause it was damn hot outside. Got a privite tour of the spa's herb garden and later somehow, I actually did spa. Had an aroma theraphy kind of treatment which started with my legs and ended with my head. Mingled with the China girls also. They were saying that Jacky Wu is being payed 60 000 SGD per 45minutes to perform/host at the opening. Then they talked about Jay Chou and later JJ Lim, overall kinda nice talking to them.

Wanted to take a picture of Jacky Wu and maybe listen to 811(The Papaya Sisters) but we went back after a tour of the place cause. Kenneth missed out on alot cause he had his RJC dance CCA.

Been having a headache the whole day as well cause I started the day all wrong playing Call of Duty 4 on the ps3 as soon as I went downstairs. Grr I looked at the screen sideways too much again.

Kinda stopped my poems of sorts caused Dolly was like the source of my inspirations then. I do miss creating new works but maybe I'll get one done before I go away.

Getting dark now and nothing much to talk about so I guess I'll just wrap it up here and head downstairs.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Curse you James Blunt! lol...

Listening to his songs make me remember the bad, yet good times I had with Dolly and the thing is I love his songs. Damn he makes me miss her but lol it's not stopping me from listening to his voice daily. Sing along yeah... No not wasting money to go Kbox... The clock is ticking and still a couple of stuff left to do... Still thinking "how sia" for certain stuff cause I'm too lazy to think otherwise =/. Early mornings feel kinda nice though it's a good change. But damn, it feels like a chore taking the next step, will get to it soon enough. Too late to ask for my old life back, this seems more balanced anyhow. Expenses are going to cost a bomb but it's what i want anyway.

Hmm seems the blog has become the best thing to talk to since I stopped with Ben and Dolly. No nothing happened between us it's just that we're drifting apart temporary that's all. Dolly I think you all know.

Bored here waiting for evening to come so I can go out. Guys do check out my blog daily yeah :D and please tag =/

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Post Devoted to my "XMM gang" (group of girls who I know that are under 16)

Lols my title sounds so "tiko".. .Well anyway getting away from that point, upbringing seems to be everything apparently, we're not who we think we are. In a sense that we are what society and upbringing made us to be so basically our personality just fits into the mold of our surroundings and experiences.

Based on that fact, life's pretty fun actually *grins*. Been testing stuff on the above point and with reference for my agenda noting points at regular intervals. Kind of forgot about this till lately when I realised I figured out just about enough for myself.

I became a loner thanks to my primary school days with Ernest. Went over to his house several times a week just to watch him play the computer and pass the time. Parents bought me the Sega console when I was small and due to that I became an avid gamer freak that I am today.
These stuff might sound straightforward but it isn't as simple as that. I shouldn't say criteria but certain instances have to occur before it triggers an effect.

Take the average "ah beng, ah lian" for example. They aren't like this cause they wanted to. No I'm not saying they were forced to. But in fact the point in we never had any free will in this. Our will in things is made up of what we are as a person and that in turn is created by how we mature as a human being. So to put it simply, they were born and raised in a Chinese/Dialect based family. In turn they mixed around with more Chinese speaking friends who has had similar upbringing which then leads to them somewhat following the path laid out to them by default. Yeah some skeptics might argue that they can choose to go down another path. But something must happen before they are so affixed on this path for that thought to even occur inside their heads.

Then there's the group I belong to, the outcasts. I label it that way cause people who are somewhat similar to me don't exactly fit in 1 place. I'm a gamer, I'm a metal junkie, I'm good at literary works and so on and so fort. Kind of a "jack of all trades" but don't really excel or belong to one particular category. In more extreme cases, we get tagged by the label of being wierd but are not really bothered by it. I have two personal examples who are both my friends. The older male, in his thirties, labeled us as misfits and often pondered on topics which others might find bizarre or a waste of time. But we found that we both asked ourselves the same set of questions. Although in terms of personality we might not be exactly the same but our thought matrix and queerness in personality is something to be judged.

What I've been saying is that everything in our life plays a part. Certain changes might take several small occurances while others can happen with just a tiny one. Needless to say all these "theories" as the skeptics might call it are all able to be put down and charted in statistically individually or in groups. I've done it for my own but it's too messy to share and too time consuming to pen down but for those who really want to know, just give me a call and I'll explain it to you over the phone.

You might ask why is it I do all these stuff. Well, with references to the above claims, I used to indulge myself in paleonthology when I was young. Yeah... Who wasn't interested in dinosaurs when they were little kids. But when I use the word indulge it means it was indepth. Not only the kids and teen documentaries on it. But so much as to reading graphic charts, finding out how they were named and the biometrics involved in which they became that way. Interesting stuff.

Another point would be I went into martial arts and weapons at a tender age. Most boys get facinated by all the Bruce Lee and chinese action flicks anyway. Took up Wushu in school(it wasn't enough). Soon after quitted and started learning from books and observation(yeah you can say my whole life is a daydream and I should wake up and face reality) but then, to me this is the most important thing that makes me, me. This "scientiest" kind of character is what developed my thinking skills and overall personality. I just see things too differently from others that I'm not bounded by certain things in life. The martial arts pursuit soon lead to the expansion into ancient military tactics and medieval weaponry and later into more futuristic stuff.

Knowing additional things is one thing. But knowing how to use it to your advantage is another. I lead the wrong path and became a loner for a period of time and lost certain key character traits. Those who know me know it's really hard to make me angry, but really easy to make me cry(that's if you know how).

Now back to the main point(my title) caused I kind of side tracked again. My XMM friends are doing great apparently. Bridget went through that group of hurdles and now she seems less bimboistic. The occurances around her also lead to her reading and writing more and it's now showing a positive sign in terms of thinking and language. Yet the bad things to happen to her keep her overall personality as a girl intact. Valerie umm... I don't know actually prolly still chubby and looks like a hamster? :D Lovely has been doing great all the while and now she stands a chance to study at UWC(United World College). She has an overall good upbringing and now she's sensible, smart, hardworking but her life could lossen up abit in my opinion(she doesn't have much freedom and not really bothered by it cause it's been like this since she remembers). Rozann's becoming a little like me lol. Being labelled "queer" and, like me, thinks and talks differently from our age group. Really sarcastic in a good way also. Victoria, Vanessa and my other cousins I don't really include in this group so I'll leave them out. Don't talk to them much anyway. Lol it's lame really. I don't have and male friends who're much younger than me.

Food for thought, accept it, it's not my own delusions cause if you took psychology at University level you'd learn this in your lectures.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Samaritan

This is what I just feel like doing now... Just being a good samaritan before I go. Not saving up much on money anymore, doing things you wouldn't expect, I'm even helping some1 clean up their house. I always wanted to be like this, but I always seem to do it halfheartedly. I kinda feel it's a time for change. You guys will love me for the time I'm still around. Still don't know what to do for like 3/4 of you all but do know I really love you guys who get something from me.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Suicide Code..Out of Time; Out of The Clouds

What can I say... I'm running out of time... So many things still left undone before I go and so many things I haven't thought of it just hit me. I have the intense compulse to blog after learning of it but... Nothing really comes to mind except the title. Will call you guys out one by one to say goodbye. Just regret I always misinterpret my predictions, knew I was running out of time but didn't even think it this way. Guess things always bite me where I'm unprepared.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Ame to Unme; Looking To The Sky

It's raining heavily outside now and everyone's asleep. I wonder how long has it been since I last took a stroll in the rain. I used to love it, but it's just nowadays I've been more practical and also it's never raining whenever I walk back home. I think maybe I've stopped merely dreaming, so lets just hope so.

After Coco stopped pacing around the house. it's all quiet except for the chinese sutra machine playing the audio on repeat like until the battery runs out of power. Somehow, unless I remember it's there, I don't actually hear it. I think I'm just used to it and have automatically filtered it as useless background noise.

My luck's been swell lately. Things always get even better at the last minute. It's like when I want to leave Cheryl's house to go home, my dad can call asking if I want to eat dinner. Then he proceeds to fetch me home with dinner already stowed away at the back and I reach home with minimum personal effort. This morning when I woke up bright and early, I didn't have the lappy with me so I just played the psp to waste the day away. But before lunch, my mum asked me to go out with the family to Marina to check out the water display of the new Intergrated Resort. The list just goes on...

Just like Ben, I now have a second home :D you all already know I'm always hanging out over at Cheryl's place. She's like my slacking buddy, her sister is like my sister, her brother is like the brother I never had. C'mon you have to admit even her boyfriend asks if I've gone back when he doesn't see me. It's funny really, but at the same time, it just feels so nice.

Back when I was with Dolly, I always pestered her to let me go over to sleep. Yeah I used to go there just to sleep after a day out with her and then proceed to stay over for a day or 2. Don't know why, but when she started working, it all just stopped. She claimed work's tiring and she couldn't entertain me, or she just wanted to be alone. I always get pissed off after that. The only person who could fully control my mood, the only person who made me not be my usual self, that's what she was to me. I stopped thinking rationally and was lead around by impulse, made so many choices which seem the most stupid to others. It was bittersweet. I thank her for making me open up to life, yet I can only sigh when she never returns my unrelenting love for her. I guess you can say that I'm now living this exact phrase "learning how to let go". Yeah I havn't had an impulse to call her anymore although I do still think of doing so some times. After the last time, I guess you can kind of say I've learnt my lesson. Everything is up to her in our relationship, even now... I do wish she'd just contact me again cause I don't know why she stopped, but then I also ask myself if it's better if we didn't. But right now, I'm in no power to make that decision, it's all hers so it's kind of "none of my concern" type of thing.

Lol damn... Clara's mumbling in her sleep beside me. Can't make out what she said but she's been scratching her ass, her chest and tummy and her "down there" every 5-10 minutes as I continue typing. But even with that, I just laugh at her once and continue looking out into the sky. Coco's turn now, they kinda look like they're taking turns, funny shit, too bad I'm not laughing.

Everything in life is bounded by give and take. I see these people having so much freedom but in turn they kinda have responsibilities as well. They can go out as late as they want, bring friends over anytime, drink and smoke underaged even at home. But then the downside is, they have to do chores(I'm kinda a clean freak so if no one does them for me I'll eventually do it), they have to settle their daily meals (okay so there's food allowance), their house isn't exactly "home sweet home"(but heck it's nice), there's many more thing I could add but I think I've proven a point.

Another example would be my model student group of cousins. They score all 'A's and excel academcally(they suck at lifeskills), they're like all so bloody rich(in money but not experiences), have everything they could ask for(except freedom), have countless amenities available to them(but don't really have the time to really enjoy it often). Man everything in life sure contradicts itself. Oh wait the best thing I want to laugh at is, I get to eat better food on a daily basis than them, all their maids can't cook for nuts and they hardly get to enjoy a good home cooked meal.

Guess no one's 'perfect'... There's always something there's missing in the equation. People say I'm rich, I'm this, I'm that. It's so far from the truth and I don't even try to portray that image. There's always something more you don't know, which balances out the equation.

For myself, have only 1 ex(pathetic), most of my skills and knowledge are kind of useless in the world driven by money(but I know so many things you'd think I was an encyclopedia). Have no accomplishments to be proud of but probably have the skills to make some but then again, no oppotunities. I pride myself in English but I can't even plan a simple composition. Man it's just plain ironic... Everything is...

The sky's clearing now(fingers crossed) and I hope my running nose will stop with the rain. Life is always like this, it could be better, it could be worse, but for my case it's just plain simple. No complications when you really see it clearly, I just gotta remember my own words more often. On a side note... Nickiie I always talk to you but I never ever bother to call you out, lol will remember to one day ^^

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Effigy

Simple changes... Changed my playlist on the blog caused most people just turn it off(including myself) lol. 2 songs which I find I play on repeat for hours on end.

I feel like I'm the only 1 who isn't bounded by an effigy in this world. It's so fucked up. Why can't you people open your hearts and eyes to those around you. I hear so many things about others. Too many infact that if I didn't know better, I'd believe them. Maybe I should really go give cambodia a try. Kai Fen did ask me to go. Why are you people so self centered. Those close, those I hardly know, you never seem to know me, you guys never seem to understand why. It's like the world is only seen through eyes like yours. Somehow I've had enough.

The world is a beautiful place. Can you hear sound of a girl's heart when they blush. Or feel the smile warm your heart when you see something ever so cute. Feel the world go about when you stand still and look. Just stop for a moment and try to feel, no matter how down I feel, it always makes me smile no matter the time, no matter where I am.

I saw life begin and the ship we're in and history unfold.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
.
.
.
No matter what I say or do,
the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart
(Lines from James Blunt - I Really Want You)

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
(Lines from Elton John - Tiny Dancer)

Just wanted to share these words. Cause I find that most people never listen for the meaning in songs. Songs are more than just entertainment. Ever thought of how they're made? Then songwriter pens his/her feelings into words. I bet you people keep wondering why James Blunt, or why metal, I don't seem like that kind of person. The meaning in the songs, that's why. I love the way James Blunt expresses sadness in words, sort of like complaining to the world. If I ever met him, I bet we'd really clique. As for my assorted American/Black Metal. Well... Ever read their lyrics, yeah I know it's hard to understand them but when you do, they so describe your life. No metal songs don't make you emo nor do they mean you're satanic or whatever. It's just plain misconception. Their lyrics are just so beautiful, for those who know how to appreciate them. They're also the main reason why my English never fails even though I've not read a book in 4 years. Almost every song I'll come across a word I've never seen before, then I proceed to read up the meaning and I've learnt a new word.

The things I've learnt while sitting at home rotting. Man they're so rich. Romanian text says Cleopatra was a seductress. But upon further reading of Arabic text, she's actually an intelligent individual and a brilliant leader in her time. She wrote books on medicine and cosmetics, she welcomed scholars. So yea she did seduce Ceasar. But for a 19 year old girl to sneak into the bedroom of the most powerful man on Earth then, was by far no small feat. This phrase "I Rome, do what the Romans do". She pulled it off really well in Egypt. Did you know she was Greek? But she practiced Egyptian customs and even knew their language. The Greek God Horus, the hawk. She translated it into Amun Ra the Egyptian God of the Sun when she ruled Egypt. She even depicted herself as Isis a very popular Egyptian God.

She knew the times well. Religion was everything then and to rule the people, you had to understand them. Egypt was really rich during her time. Only when Ceasar died and Rome was split in half did she fall. Egypt was seen as a treat to Rome and with Ceasar gone their son wasn't recognised as the heir cause it was never annouced. It also meant the treaty was gone. Even the way she commited suicide depicted emphasis on Egyptian religion it's astonishing.

Pretty interesting stuff to come across when you're bumming at home eh? Learnt plenty of other neat stuff. Mainly Science and History.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.