Many thanks

The stillness of time is only felt after the end, Ted.(Myself)
Time is a killing system with numbers attached to it, Gibran.(My good brother in Sri Lanka)

If you combine these 2 quotes together you get the following. Time is 1 step closer to killing us with every passing second. Time is endless after death has come. Now if you put it into context in life. Dying would equal losing something irreplaceble in your life and what comes after death is the endless torment of the memories; for memories are timeless.

Well this is a special post going out to several people who've helped me out, even though they might not know it. Firstly Ben, thanks for always being there, you're always the only one who thinks of me when you want to go out. Basically I feel like you're the only one who thinks of me at all.

Then next is for people who've been my listening ear and have given me great advice. Matthew, your one line of advice has helped me peservere alot, we do see things the same way most of the time and although we aren't close but we're connected(Another thing I have to thank Ben for). Wolf , you gave me great relationship advice though it's so hard to heed to it, I'm not sure I'm ready to be an adult. Serene Peh, you always try to be cheerful and it always helps a little. You hear what I have to say even though you might not understand and put effort to at least try to. Even though you sigh about what's happening in my life, you still try to cheer me on whenever I talk to you and it's just really nice.

There's also people who's not quite there anymore but you'll forever be in my mind. Bjorn, though you're not in the country anymore we still chat alot at intervals in our lives. Bridget, okay so you're now a prisoner of your past mistakes. But it was fun being with you, trying to put myself in your shoes those days you were running away from authority. It was nice that back then you thought of me as one of your options. It gave me something to do and it started to make me care for people again. You just feel so much like kin though we didn't know each other that well. It's nice chatting with you again after so long, you'll always be like a sister to me.

Going on with the list, Krystie you just make me feel like you're a really nice person. You have a really beautiful heart. Even though I don't know you really well, by the things you've done for me, those little things, they just made me feel this way about you. Ken, I've heard nothing but bad things about you from others. But you and me.. We somehow came up with an unspoken agreement that we'll stick to being DotA buddies. I don't know how you are in real life and I don't really care. All I know is you're here keeping company with me when I'm bored and also a convenient person to rant at(Thanks for the quote "Life goes on even though you're emo"). Shu Xian jie jie I'm not forgetting to mention you too, you're always so bubbly and though you're not really bright and speak mainly chinese, you're just a really nice girl. Even if we didn't really work out hanging together as we're just in different worlds, you'll always be my Jie Jie. Miss you! Before I forget, Kenneth Fu too. You recently initiated a conversation with me, gave me some advice though it's irrelevant but nice of you to suddenly pop up.

My family has also been another one, I don't mean my direct family but my whole family in Singapore. My grandaunt seems like her last wish is that us cousins will get along and hang out together. Though I've drifted away from that awhile back, I'm starting to value those I share the same blood with again. They're the ones that do all the little things in life that just make me smile.

I'm in the process of fixing a broken life, a broken heart. I'm still blinded by love, still blinded by the thing that hurts so much, the only thing good I can say about it is that it overshadows something everyone is bothered about, my future. I really can't thank you people enough for all the little things you've done that if you've never noticed, has meant so much to me. I'm crying as I type this. I'll never forget you guys, for memories are eternal. As for my love, I don't want to ruin the beautiful image I have to remember you by.

Ted,
Breaking free of the paradigm

A blood filled glass tipped in toast to love

A shallow little jackal of a man posing as a hawk,
Conniving opportunist.
Lease the blade the gun the bomb,
In the name of Justice.
A violent panacea for what ails the heart.
In advancement for the pig.
Wrest is the truth from your hands.
Propelled by aggression...

My eyes,
Never closed clarity,
Clamped down in a grit so ordinary on life.
Peering through a curtain of blood.
Retribution or vengeance it matters not which.
My sweet demoness,
Eyes clouded from the truth,
Mind spiced with ambivalence.
With weakened neck in the noose,
You swallow it all.

Commerce brings war.
Jihad has come to both sides.
Eye for an eye fire for fire.
Gaining revenge as things escalate.
Riches bring nothing but loneliness,
But the poor strive to achieve.
Left bankrupt we all die inside.
This will never end,
Without much choice,
By the fiscal elite.
War is set in motion by higher powers,
A pissing contest for the unknown.

As a couple jumps hand in hand to their deaths,
Wrapped in swaddling lies and laid in dumpster.
Played by a higher power.
It is but a game.
Someone needs to tip the nest,
To bring salvation to the confused and doubtful.
Faith in yourself,
Faith in the old gods,
Faith in fate,
Faith in retribution.
It is a lie you have to believe in if you want it to come true.
Fear of the unknown,
Fear of loneliness,
Fear of death.
If you are filled with faith there is no space for fear.
For I am faithful.
Faithful in my own strength.
Faithful in my ability to play with the strings of fate.

The pig ascends,
As I sink deeper.
A loathing sight.
Unable to take misconceptions,
The ruling force of this world.
A misanthropic man seeks.
Waiting for death.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

The last letter

Dear Dar,

You might want to ask me why is it I post what I want to tell you in a blog, where everyone else can read. Then why don't you look back and question yourself. When was the last time you listened to my complaints without trying to defend yourself or change it to an arguement. Today just watching my friend getting up on the ambulance on a stretcher and talking with another on the mrt home. I just finally decided to post this to you.

There's a saying that goes "if you leave treasure out in the open, it's just asking to get stolen". If I am what you say. I am someone special to you. How long are you going to leave me out in the open, cold and alone?

For the past two months, I've felt like a dog. I bark at you for attention but you scold or otherwise ignore me. I ask for your company but you avoid me or rather be alone. I ask for your care and concern but you turn and try to become strict with me.

I missed the days you kept me on a short leash. Always looking forward to meeting me. Giving me incentive to know I'm loving the right person. Those days I felt like a loved puppy. You hardly ever keep to your promises and we didn't have much money to spend. But I can gladly say that those days were the happiest in my life. The days I spent with you at the start.

As I grew older as your dog, you started imposing requirements on me. I have to stop wasting my life and get a job, I have to stop being 'emo' etc. Being consumed by this, you forgot what it means to commit anymore. To look after me and continue to show love and affection. With this, I've lost meaning of why I have always and will continue to gladly put up with you just because I love you.

So now I wish to say this, if my owner is going to continue treating me like this. Leaving me alone. Never spending time to spend with me anymore. Never even making me feel loved anymore. This dog of yours will run away from home. For if there's no warmth in a home, it is but a house which you stay in. If feel there's no love from your spouse or partner, it's just commitment keeping them together. And now, I feel as if there's just a little commitment to each other, but I don't feel the love.

I would like to repeat that I'm still deeply in love with you. But if you don't even return any I'm trying to shower you with. I will slowly start to do it less and less. Eventually not at all. If you want me to wait for you, just tell me. If you have problems you otherwise don't know how to share verbally. I've always been really good at just reading you. If you still treasure and want me, you know how and where to find me. I'm not asking for a phone call with you avoiding the whole thing unless I press for an answer. If till now pride is more important, let me just tell you that prideful beings are always alone. I don't mean literally alone. But how many people in the world can you say know you in and out, and have been and will always be there for you.

I know you've been going out with another close friend the past few days when you had spare time after work. You've started to call him and even gave a hug on monday. If that's how you treat "just a friend". Then why don't you compare that to how you treat your dar? You're returning his love and care. Then proceed to avoid mine, I don't see why is that so. Stop telling me about I do this and that, at that time I could've broken up with you shit. Why don't you ask yourself over the course of two months plus, you've broken up with me three times. You've made me sad, angry and even cry countless times. I could've also said I would have broken up with you back then.

I still get sad cause you find excuses to not meet me up till now. I still get sad cause you don't even bother to contact me cause you say I'm 'emo'. Well you're the one who makes me emo in the first place most of the time, if you aren't aware of it now. Don't try to scold me cause I'm blaming you, and start to think, would you get 'emo' if i started neglecting you and avoiding you?

I heard a good phrase from someone unexpected "even if you're emo, you still have to live". So I can put in in use about 'us' and say. Even though I'm said, you still have to love me. If not, it just defeats the whole purpose of us being together in the first place.

Do you remember what you've said in the past? "You're special, you're a boyfriend I'm completely comfortable with and can be myself." So why are you being uncomfortable now? If you say I'm emo, then start making me happy, instead of just plain complaining and asking me to do something about it.

You're important that's why I get happy so easily, you're important that's why I get sad and cry so easily and, you're important that's why I get angry so easily.

I only have a rough idea what's going through your mind now, because I've been so far apart from you, I can only guess and don't know anymore. It seems from the way you say things, I've been ill treating you. But did you remember I cried and gave the reason as "you treat me like shit". The positive advice I receive from friends like, "if she's like that, how long more can you endure? You can't expect a miracle to change her overnight". Yes it's true I don't expect you to suddenly change. But if you're not even trying to find time to spend with me. You'd rather go out with friends cause I'm emo or rather stay at home and relax. Then there isn't really a point anymore.

I'm not giving you much time anymore, for I have been waiting and waiting all along. Since the day we patched, have you ever asked me out? All I ever did this month was to basically be a bolster once a week. But for the past 7 days or more, we didn't even meet at all. So you tell me, you say we're not progessing. But how much is it my fault and how much is it yours? Is work really that important? Is your pride really that important that you don't want a boyfriend like this? Then I'm sad to say that I've been reduced to a boyfriend, and not a special someone you'd go all out for. I feel as though I'm just someone in your life, who's slowly drifting away. I no longer feel I'm the special someone.

Whatever you tell me next, if it's not something like "I want you", or "I'm sorry I'll try but please give me some time". Then you might just hear me call for a breakup. And when I breakup means it's over. Think about it. But if you're going to jus avoid it or complain then it's safe to say I feel like I'm not that important to you. I've said afew times that "as long as you love me, I'd do everything in my power to keep us together". But if I really don't feel the love, I'll just take it as you don't love me anymore. It's better to break now than for you to continue hurting me or hurt me even worse in the future and if you don't even keep a promise when I want you to mean it, then what do I have to hold on to? When was the last time you even called me dar on msn?

Yours sincerely,
Ted

The parasite of paradise

With burnt desire I yearn for my dark mistress,
Awaiting her acceptance,
Her approval.
I've seen the ages pass by.
A callused soul;
The stench of decay.

Perseverence grips my heart,
And in the twilight hours I pray,
Pray for the strings of fate to guide me.
Pray for my sweet demoness to beckon me.
For I am but a parasite of paradise,
Hidden within the sweet sanctuary of life.
Cursed..
To be a step away from salvation,
But never reach it.
To never have a life of my own,
Can only share it.
Decorated veteran of solitude,
Medals add to the heap.

The eyes of the patriot,
Fixed through the scope.
The unknowing tyrant,
Walks to the rope.
It's where murder is justice that matyrs are made,
A one gun salute to a new independance day.
They'll hallow your name.
They'll hallow your name for your sacrifice.
You are the cause,
I am the effect.
Created in hatred a noose for your neck.
Never ending..
Never relenting..
Tireless..

The manacles bind me to this darkened fate.
So again I pray..
Beseeching my dark mistress,
Her liquid embrace;
Chasing away the day ever so sweetly.
Take me under your black wings.
So sweetly she shucks,
Away at my time.
So sweetly she draws me nigh.
Destroyer of senses.

Never wanted your acceptance.
Never wanted your approval.
Never wanted to be anything but me.
Never wanted anything but to be right there with you.

Speak in defense of our good name,
The blood of kin grants absolution.
I'll join them soon enough,
In the ground of god's country.
Jacked up on taste of self-destruction.


Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Omerta

The paradigm broken,
For the day might soon come that ink well runs dry,
And must be filled with blood of the scribe.
Hopeless... demon of another day.
Colorless... stoned, solid grey.
Emptiness... of promises I made.
So faithless... the tenants long betrayed.
Silence, the only promise ever kept.
Familiar touch, a ritual to numb the cut
The siren's song is but a locked door away.
This id what has been wrought,
For the tongues of men and angels are bought by a beloved betrayer.
I am the result of the unspoken.
I've been all ears when you're talking.
Anguish is realising what might have been but never was
Words meant to dwell in darkness,
Shall never see the light of day.
The execution of the mandate,
Waiting for the hammer to come down.
Mouth full of dirt.
It's only getting worse,
Only worth a moment's regret.
Each dawn another curse,
every breath a twisting blade.
Your name will be removed from the registry,
Empty eyes will greet and turn and lock the gate.
Cheaply venal,
Stupidly verbose.
Omerta...
Sing for me now.
What will be left behind in the ashes of the wake.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.



Dear dar,

I know you all too well. The life you lead. The friend you confide in. Salvation lays dormant within you while the hour of reckoning draws near. You are the dark mistress of many, beholden only to me. Seek to understand Sin†ner™ but do not heed the words of the demented. They are all but rantings.

Another grey morning dawns the ashen sky, awaiting my sweet demoness to beckon me. A clouded judgement day is fueled. I'm a hard-boiled son of a bitch, calluses on my soul. Scraping away on the down hill grind, as life slowly unravels.

With nothing to show but wasted time and dust. A thousand points falling on your deafened funeral eardrums. I will rise above, so extract your life. Will you look within, then turn around and bite?

I continue in hopes of returning to solace. So sweetly honeysuckled on the tongue. The sound of silence blesses my ears, enveloping like your embrace I will one day lie in. The love you is planted deep and strong, I will carry it wherever I go. So take me back to where I belong.

Yours sincerely,
Ted

Letter to my dar

Dear dar,

You say I speak gibberish when it is that which I pride myself in, my accomplishment in my language. The way I express myself in words are "emo" to you. But, they are to me, words that continue to fill the pages of the book I call my life. I seem empty to you because you only look at the surface. The conquests I pursue are that you cannot follow. Though they might seem insignificant to you, they are what I treasure dearly in my life. I'm not a social butterfly because I choose not to, there's nothing wrong with it. So don't treat it as something is wrong. To me, there's more to life than just work and having fun with friends. There's more than one way to live a life and I'm just trying to live happily my way.

I know you want to help me like how I have and always will, if you only allow. You say I'm boring. But, haven't you been unable to understand me as of yet? In "us", it is a journey you must go through alone. If it is as you say and you do want to spend your life with me, I leave you with words of advice: "certain things take a lifetime, others take but an insignificant fraction. Do heed that misconception drives the world around".

I leave some things out of our conversations, just cause, I do not want you to worry. They are things I can only rely on myself and you are unable to help.. Yet. Maybe someday. "One man's paradise, is another man's living hell" , though you see me now as confining myself. To me, I'm just using what time I have left to live as a child, before I serve the nation. Yes I'm bored at times as I'm mostly alone, but it's just part of life.

You say "work hard, play hard" but to me, it's either work or play. I'm a devoted gamer, gaming has been with me for more than 10 years. Since I started playing on SEGA, it's already a part of me.I'm an anime otaku, yes I watch anime everyday with most titles I can't even commit to memory. These are all but hobbies I indulge and love very much.

You don't want me wasting my life like you did in the past. Not doing anything. Just plain slacking. But weren't you the one who says sometimes I seem so old. I'm unable to tell you everything upfront just because of the fact my mind is a huge archive. I always plan things on a subconscious level. You know I multi-task in my head. You know it's really messy up there. So stop trying to look in as I have trouble tidying up to be ready for you to visit.

Rest assured dar.. I won't be doing what I do now even a year down the road, so don't look so far as 10. Why don't you look at us now instead, not our future. You've been looking too far ahead to not see the problems we're actually facing now. I continue to long for you, I continue to miss you and I will continue to love you. For you are that special one.

So dar, I plead with you. For everything I say, always leave room for more. For everything I do, there's always a side you don't yet know. Just lean on me again like you used to. Share again like you always have. Let me take the lead and do not doubt. To put it simply, don't be afraid to ask of me, don't keep me at arm's length anymore.

In closing, jus hold my hand tightly and follow, for it won't go wrong. People change.. My mom changes.. She won't shout at you anymore. Don't give yourself unnecessary worries. It's okay to be selfish at times, but don't forget you own me, as I own you. When I'm sad, you get affected by it even though you don't want to. So just cheer me up and you'll be happy as well.

Yours sincerely,
Ted

Lost in the midst of time

I wonder how long has it been since I last updated my blog. Oh wait, I can just check the date on my last entry -.-".

I see the world turning in my sheets.
As I sit comfy on my throne watching it all.
The stories I hear are made to entertain me.
Time passes me by,
Timeless; as I always have been.
My past, just another illusion asleep within memories.
My love holds me with a liquid embrace,
To chase the day away.
The thought of her makes me smile; yet cry.
I'm screaming at the top of my voice,
but who here has the capacity to listen.
The omerta of The BrotherHood,
The few kin I have left.
So here I go,
Towards the nothingness I see ahead of me.
Waiting for her to take my hand,
Against an enemy which is myself.
Maybe someday we'll meet,
And maybe talk and not just speak,
In hopes you might hear my pleas.
I don't know when my time will end,
In this foreboding hour, I feel as though it is near.
The grin in the darkness draws me ever so closely,
Making sure not to let go.
"Strong as you were, tender you go, watching you breathing; for the last time"
The words that keep me going.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.