Ame to Unme; Looking To The Sky

It's raining heavily outside now and everyone's asleep. I wonder how long has it been since I last took a stroll in the rain. I used to love it, but it's just nowadays I've been more practical and also it's never raining whenever I walk back home. I think maybe I've stopped merely dreaming, so lets just hope so.

After Coco stopped pacing around the house. it's all quiet except for the chinese sutra machine playing the audio on repeat like until the battery runs out of power. Somehow, unless I remember it's there, I don't actually hear it. I think I'm just used to it and have automatically filtered it as useless background noise.

My luck's been swell lately. Things always get even better at the last minute. It's like when I want to leave Cheryl's house to go home, my dad can call asking if I want to eat dinner. Then he proceeds to fetch me home with dinner already stowed away at the back and I reach home with minimum personal effort. This morning when I woke up bright and early, I didn't have the lappy with me so I just played the psp to waste the day away. But before lunch, my mum asked me to go out with the family to Marina to check out the water display of the new Intergrated Resort. The list just goes on...

Just like Ben, I now have a second home :D you all already know I'm always hanging out over at Cheryl's place. She's like my slacking buddy, her sister is like my sister, her brother is like the brother I never had. C'mon you have to admit even her boyfriend asks if I've gone back when he doesn't see me. It's funny really, but at the same time, it just feels so nice.

Back when I was with Dolly, I always pestered her to let me go over to sleep. Yeah I used to go there just to sleep after a day out with her and then proceed to stay over for a day or 2. Don't know why, but when she started working, it all just stopped. She claimed work's tiring and she couldn't entertain me, or she just wanted to be alone. I always get pissed off after that. The only person who could fully control my mood, the only person who made me not be my usual self, that's what she was to me. I stopped thinking rationally and was lead around by impulse, made so many choices which seem the most stupid to others. It was bittersweet. I thank her for making me open up to life, yet I can only sigh when she never returns my unrelenting love for her. I guess you can say that I'm now living this exact phrase "learning how to let go". Yeah I havn't had an impulse to call her anymore although I do still think of doing so some times. After the last time, I guess you can kind of say I've learnt my lesson. Everything is up to her in our relationship, even now... I do wish she'd just contact me again cause I don't know why she stopped, but then I also ask myself if it's better if we didn't. But right now, I'm in no power to make that decision, it's all hers so it's kind of "none of my concern" type of thing.

Lol damn... Clara's mumbling in her sleep beside me. Can't make out what she said but she's been scratching her ass, her chest and tummy and her "down there" every 5-10 minutes as I continue typing. But even with that, I just laugh at her once and continue looking out into the sky. Coco's turn now, they kinda look like they're taking turns, funny shit, too bad I'm not laughing.

Everything in life is bounded by give and take. I see these people having so much freedom but in turn they kinda have responsibilities as well. They can go out as late as they want, bring friends over anytime, drink and smoke underaged even at home. But then the downside is, they have to do chores(I'm kinda a clean freak so if no one does them for me I'll eventually do it), they have to settle their daily meals (okay so there's food allowance), their house isn't exactly "home sweet home"(but heck it's nice), there's many more thing I could add but I think I've proven a point.

Another example would be my model student group of cousins. They score all 'A's and excel academcally(they suck at lifeskills), they're like all so bloody rich(in money but not experiences), have everything they could ask for(except freedom), have countless amenities available to them(but don't really have the time to really enjoy it often). Man everything in life sure contradicts itself. Oh wait the best thing I want to laugh at is, I get to eat better food on a daily basis than them, all their maids can't cook for nuts and they hardly get to enjoy a good home cooked meal.

Guess no one's 'perfect'... There's always something there's missing in the equation. People say I'm rich, I'm this, I'm that. It's so far from the truth and I don't even try to portray that image. There's always something more you don't know, which balances out the equation.

For myself, have only 1 ex(pathetic), most of my skills and knowledge are kind of useless in the world driven by money(but I know so many things you'd think I was an encyclopedia). Have no accomplishments to be proud of but probably have the skills to make some but then again, no oppotunities. I pride myself in English but I can't even plan a simple composition. Man it's just plain ironic... Everything is...

The sky's clearing now(fingers crossed) and I hope my running nose will stop with the rain. Life is always like this, it could be better, it could be worse, but for my case it's just plain simple. No complications when you really see it clearly, I just gotta remember my own words more often. On a side note... Nickiie I always talk to you but I never ever bother to call you out, lol will remember to one day ^^

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.

Effigy

Simple changes... Changed my playlist on the blog caused most people just turn it off(including myself) lol. 2 songs which I find I play on repeat for hours on end.

I feel like I'm the only 1 who isn't bounded by an effigy in this world. It's so fucked up. Why can't you people open your hearts and eyes to those around you. I hear so many things about others. Too many infact that if I didn't know better, I'd believe them. Maybe I should really go give cambodia a try. Kai Fen did ask me to go. Why are you people so self centered. Those close, those I hardly know, you never seem to know me, you guys never seem to understand why. It's like the world is only seen through eyes like yours. Somehow I've had enough.

The world is a beautiful place. Can you hear sound of a girl's heart when they blush. Or feel the smile warm your heart when you see something ever so cute. Feel the world go about when you stand still and look. Just stop for a moment and try to feel, no matter how down I feel, it always makes me smile no matter the time, no matter where I am.

I saw life begin and the ship we're in and history unfold.
I know you want to know what's right but I know it's so hard for you to do that.
And time's running out as often it does and often dictates that you can't do that.
But fate can't break this feeling inside that's burning up through my veins.
.
.
.
No matter what I say or do,
the message isn't getting through,
And you're listening to the sound of my breaking heart
(Lines from James Blunt - I Really Want You)

But oh how it feels so real
Lying here with no one near
Only you and you can hear me
When I say softly slowly
Hold me closer tiny dancer
Count the headlights on the highway
Lay me down in sheets of linen
you had a busy day today
(Lines from Elton John - Tiny Dancer)

Just wanted to share these words. Cause I find that most people never listen for the meaning in songs. Songs are more than just entertainment. Ever thought of how they're made? Then songwriter pens his/her feelings into words. I bet you people keep wondering why James Blunt, or why metal, I don't seem like that kind of person. The meaning in the songs, that's why. I love the way James Blunt expresses sadness in words, sort of like complaining to the world. If I ever met him, I bet we'd really clique. As for my assorted American/Black Metal. Well... Ever read their lyrics, yeah I know it's hard to understand them but when you do, they so describe your life. No metal songs don't make you emo nor do they mean you're satanic or whatever. It's just plain misconception. Their lyrics are just so beautiful, for those who know how to appreciate them. They're also the main reason why my English never fails even though I've not read a book in 4 years. Almost every song I'll come across a word I've never seen before, then I proceed to read up the meaning and I've learnt a new word.

The things I've learnt while sitting at home rotting. Man they're so rich. Romanian text says Cleopatra was a seductress. But upon further reading of Arabic text, she's actually an intelligent individual and a brilliant leader in her time. She wrote books on medicine and cosmetics, she welcomed scholars. So yea she did seduce Ceasar. But for a 19 year old girl to sneak into the bedroom of the most powerful man on Earth then, was by far no small feat. This phrase "I Rome, do what the Romans do". She pulled it off really well in Egypt. Did you know she was Greek? But she practiced Egyptian customs and even knew their language. The Greek God Horus, the hawk. She translated it into Amun Ra the Egyptian God of the Sun when she ruled Egypt. She even depicted herself as Isis a very popular Egyptian God.

She knew the times well. Religion was everything then and to rule the people, you had to understand them. Egypt was really rich during her time. Only when Ceasar died and Rome was split in half did she fall. Egypt was seen as a treat to Rome and with Ceasar gone their son wasn't recognised as the heir cause it was never annouced. It also meant the treaty was gone. Even the way she commited suicide depicted emphasis on Egyptian religion it's astonishing.

Pretty interesting stuff to come across when you're bumming at home eh? Learnt plenty of other neat stuff. Mainly Science and History.

Sin†ner™
Do not wonder,
for I am but a shadow.